Saturday, December 31, 2011

If you don't have anyone to kiss tonight, NOT TO WORRY - Robs Closet has a plan!

We've provided you with two of Robs best kissy mouths for your own enjoyment, book yourself into a motel, pop those coins in the vibrating bed and you're off!

No need to thank us.  It was our pleasure.

HAPPY NEW YEARS BITCHES!! Heres to us all in 2012!!

New Year Countdown, the best of the worst...

So this year for the new year countdown we have decided to give you the best of the worst, those artistic fan fails which soar above all others...


This is just so shit.  I mean Bellas boobs and her little 'v-is-for-vadge' make me feel a bit sick but the way the 'Edward' (is it even remotely near the description given in the book?) is forcing her little hand onto his...dick-vadge?... thats just gicky.  But its also fucking hilarious.  Look at Bellas fingers. What the...? Drawing should be criminal for some people.


Photoshopping is easy when you know how.  This mentaller does not know how.  Surgically attaching a baby to a girls face is never cute, even its purely virtual.  Dislike.

I have no words... its number eight.


Um... what? Weirdly this looks like a picture of two french students we had staying with us when I was 13.  Jean-Pierre and Franc. Weird.


This would be sweet if it was drawn by a child, however it was not.  *facepalm*


Who is this even? Edward or Jacob? Seriously.... 


Looks like somebody discovered 'Paint' on their parents computer...
Poor Edward, that branch sticking out of his head must really hurt.  And as for Bellas melted prom face? Horrifying.


The person who made this needs to be euthanised before they do any more damage to the eyes of the world.  Jesus.  Stop it.  


This is described as a "realistic pencil drawing of Robert Pattinson"... I totally agree, once you swap the word 'realistic' with the word 'fucking ridiculous'.


The winner.  Yeah this is totally the winner, even though I suppose, technically, it is a good drawing.  Its just that I kinda feel that if you are this good at shading and shit like that then you should be able to actually draw the fucking faces of the people you want in the picture.  

So I must ask... who the fuck is this? It looks like my friend Gav with a bad waxwork of Megan Fox.  Any idea?

I know where I'll be next Christmas...

Apparently Rob was at his local pub this Christmas... with old friends and Sturridges Ex bird.
FUCK.  Why am I such a lamo that I didn't forsee this?  I could have performed my Santa Baby routine on the bar and with no Kristen around, Rob would totally have been mine.

Next year? I'm in London for sure...

Friday, December 30, 2011

New Years Resolution

To look at this picture at least once a day... *drip...drip...drip*

Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggory Dog*...

Sorry its been such a quiet Christmas, but I've been reading...

I've finally got into Harry Potter.  I am midway through book 5 and frankly, I'm loving it (isn't Ron just lovely?) and after each book I've watched the corresponding movie.


That means I just watched The Goblet of Fire...


It really was hard to watch my beloved being murdered by You-Know-Who without so much as a row, I'm not used to it...usually he is indestructible, but didn't he make a beautiful corpse? Hmmm I was having necrophilial thoughts I can tell you...

Nooo, if you aren't in this series then you might go on to become the worlds 
sexiest man leaving me to just strip off with horses...

But the cutest thing happened when I watched the 8 hours of special features, including the "Day on Set with Cedric Diggory" - Rob says on screen "I rarely eat on set" and my 5 year old son pipes up "He is just saying that so they don't know he is a vampire"... Aw...

It was not hard to watch this interview, though I did nearly drown twice.

Anyway, here is a Tongue-me-Thursday, how old was Rob here? I mean I have nothing against a good CHILF but was he legal in this movie? Just so I know how dirty my thoughts really are!

Mmmmm.... I'd like the magic of his big wand, for sure...

*Oh and apologies for the title, anyone with a child and the disney channel will totally get me... and feel my pain.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Xmas is Cumming Day 24

It's time for the final day in our countdown to Chrimbo. Who could possibly be behind door 24?? Click to find out!

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Seen as though it's Xmas...

...We thought it would be fun to wheel this one out again!

Yup. Still funny as fuck.

Xmas is Cumming Day 22

Oh la la! New Bel Ami trailer!

Rob is looking tres, tres sexy in the new Bel Ami trailer. What a shame it's almost identical to the first trailer they released. However, we do get a new shirtless shot of Georges/Rob, who seems to have beefed up considerably since New Moon. Of course, there is always the possibility that Rob's pecs were painted on... And where the fuck is his weird left nipple?!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Xmas is Cumming Day 21

We're almost at the end of our Xmas countdown... Which knicker explosion is waiting behind door 21? Click it to find out!

A little Christmas Cocktail I think you'll like...

Twihard Aid '11

Bob Geldof keeps releasing the Band Aid single every few years, so we thought, why not do the same with our awesome Twihard Aid song? (It's nothing at all to do with the fact that we've been hitting the mulled wine a little too hard here at RC Towers, which is limiting our songwriting abilities...) So once again, here's our effort at a charidee single: Feed The Cullens.

To the tune of Band Aid's "Do they know it's Christmas??"

Twilight- Don't they know it's f*cking awesome??*

(Accompanied by Rob on piano and Jackson on guitar)

We're saga fans
There's a need to be afraid
At Twilight time, we let in fun and we all wear plaid
And in our world of fantasy, we can spread a little filth
Throw your arms around a Twihard, at Twilight time
But say a fuck you
Fuck you to the other ones
At Twilight time, when the fans are all having fun
There are wankers outside our windows
And they should live in dread and fear
That we're going to get tired of the abuse, and kick them in the nuts
And the rocking Muse song that plays for us is their clanging chime of doom
Well tonight thank fuck it's them instead of you

And there won't be sun in Forks this Twilight time
The greatest gift we'll get this year is eternal life
(Oooh)Where no one ever dies
No sunbathing vampire ever fries
Don't you know Twilight is fucking awesome?!

(Here's to you) raise a glass to everyone
(Here's to them) sparkling underneath that hazy sun

Don't they know Twihards are fucking awesome?!
Feed the Cullens
Feed the Cullens
Feed the Cullens

Let them know we're Twilight fans

Feed the Cullens

Come on everyone, sing along!

Lyrics by ara08/GO_3STEN/TeamFrostyJunk

Monday, December 19, 2011

Xmas is Cumming Day 19

Monkey Monday: UK Tour Video Special

Keep Awake in Manchester!

Aim High in Birmingham!

Wings on Fire in London! (Hilarious!)

via JosieCPH & Jen221176

Monkey Monday: Circle of Truth

Even the security guard at the O2 Academy could not resist the awesomeness that is 100 Monkeys...

Monkey Monday: UK Tour Special

Sadly, Jerad didn't pick 'Fuck Me Friday' as the improv song. 
It's been three days since The Rathboner JUMPED ON ME, so I've just about recovered enough to write up my awesome experience at two of 100 Monkeys' UK gigs, in Birmingham and London. And dear readers, I have to admit - I was a complete Fan Fail. No, I didn't turn up wearing a Monkey costume or a wedding dress so I could propose to Jackson - but I also didn't do Rob's Closeters proud. Let me explain...
Jackson ditches the Mad Hatter look for the Sexy Hatter
The first fail was when I got to meet the band after the Birmingham show, when they were signing CDs. This was my opportunity to tell Jackson, "I fucking love you but NOTHING" or ask him if he knows we call him 'The Rathboner' - but, noooooo.... Instead, I tried to play it cool - so cool, in fact, that I pretty much walked straight past Jackson and started gushing to Ben Graupner instead. Note to self: the 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' tactic does not work when you get only 30 seconds with a guy. FAIL!
The 'Fro of Death

Luckily, I had a second chance the next night at the O2 Academy in London, because during the 'Thank You' song The Rathboner only went and dived into the flippin' audience - and right on top of me. Before you could say 'knicker explosion' Jackson's chest was suddenly IN MY FACE. Did I have a good grope of his pecs? Did I rip his shirt open? Did I lick the sweat off his nipples? No, no and no. I just fucking froze. FAIL!

Graupner: Got the full force of Beany love
Just as I was despairing at my lameness, Jackson grabbed hold of my wrist and DIDN'T LET GO (for what felt like at least 3 hours, anyway...). And ladies, let me tell you, he has a firm grip. One for the spank bank, fo' sho'. WIN!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Festive Fan Fail

Kids: "But Mooooooooomm..... We don't want to decorate Edward Cullen!"

Crazed Twi-Mom: "You'll do as I say or you won't get any presents from Clausward! Now don't forget to hang the sparkly balls on your future step-dad..."

Xmas is Cumming Day 18

Friday, December 16, 2011

Fuck Me Friday: Rathboner Special

How's that for a sex face?

Clearly he had just spotted me in the audience at 100 Monkeys' London gig last night (where he only fucking JUMPED ON ME!!). Still fangirling too much right now to write a proper post but stay tuned for a special UK tour Monkey Monday on, er, Monday...

Thanks to TSH, her awesome camera & fab photography skills last night!

What Bean found in the toilet cubicle last night at the 100 monkeys gig...

That boy just can't get enough of that saucy Bean dip...

Thanks Kylie xx

Wouldn't it have been awesome if the consummation of our darlings love looked like this? Who's with me?

Sky rockets in flight....Afternoon delight....

Festive Fan Fail

Now that's just cheap.

Xmas is Cumming Day 16

Door 16 is for our readers of the Twi-curious persuasion...

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Festive Fan Fail

Picture the scene: you've spent a whole week fixing fairy lights to your house so Clausward will be able to find it in the dark. It looks so magical that you don't even care your electricity bill will be more than you earn in a year, and you can even tolerate your neighbours complaints that they can't sleep at night. You step outside to admire your handiwork. Wait a minute... who's that on the roof? Is it... could it really be HIM...? SANTA?!!

Oh. No. It's just your Edward Cullen standee. 

FAIL*sweats* *faints*

Xmas is Cumming Day 14

Remember the Twilight hottie we always forget about? Er, no? Well, Clausward never forgets anyone... so neither should we. Find the forgotten hottie behind door number 14...

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Xmas is Cumming Day 13

OK, who likes it doggy style? Click on door 13 for a treat...

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