Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Circle of Truth: Stewy's New Boobyguard

There's many a dream job to be had in the Twiverse  - the wolf pack's eight-pack painter, The Rathboner's personal undresser, or the fluffer for when Rob makes his sex tape with AAE. Well, now there's another job to add to that wish list - K-Stew's bodyguard.

Here's a brief job description: 
*Candidates must be willing to travel to a number of glamorous locations, including LA, Brazil, London, Japan, and, er, the Isle of Wight.
*Candidates must understand the definition of the word "Krisbian" and be prepared to take swift action to protect the employer from the militant and/or over-amorous ones of the species. They can be identified by their strange markings, knotted t-shirt and mullet haircuts.
*Candidates must also keep the employer safe from rabid Twi-tards who have been known to attack cast members of the Twilight Saga movies. These threats can be easily spotted by their frizzy hair and the slightly deranged look on their face. 
*Candidates will have the additional job of screening calls for the employer. If either of these two people ring, tell them the employer is busy not washing her hair.
*Finally, candidates must be fully capable of protecting The Goods AT ALL COSTS. See example below...



Thanks C_D_G via kstewartnews

Oi! Cronenberg!

If you include one line in the Cosmopolis script from the book, let it be this one...


Just one of several smutty lines from the Don DeLillo book that the movie is based on. We'll be sharing more in the run up to the movie.

Rob's Closet: Reading crap books so you don't have to. 

[Image source]

My little secret...

I fantasize about Rob... I do... I imagine we are having a conversation, of the 'we-just-met-but-i-like-you-and-have-nowhere-to-be" kind... I do a tinkle laugh and blink a lot.  Its cute, I can tell you, I've practiced it in my mirror lots of times, just to be prepared...

You fucking know you do it too, even on a small level, we all do.... Some of us even publish our fantasies online (Remember Deedee777 and the sick-bags? Amazing)

So when I saw these two photos I couldn't help but fantasize...

 ME:        "Rob would you like to see my 'Bunny Face'? Its pretty adorable..."
ROB:      "I think that would make my day...but just so you know, you are adorable anyway."
ME:         "*tinkle laugh and blink,blink,blink* Thanks Rob, you say the nicest things...and I know if I was ever to vomit you would think that was adorable too..."
ROB:      "You know me so well *sighs*"
ME:        "Here goes... one bunny face coming up!"
ME:       "See? Told you it was adorable... Now lie the fuck down so I can lick that smirk right off ya!"


How would your conversations go?

Robopolis... a city I'd like to live in please!

 Tongue porn on a Tuesday... Whats better than that?
 Oh yes... eyebrow porn definitely out plays tongue porn...
 Finger porn? Rob is playing all his cards in this set, ey?
Jaw porn.  My favorite so far. All Rob has left to show is a bit of Penis porn and we are happy out.

*stares at screen*

I'll wait... I've got all century after all...

Thanks Tara xxx

Monday, May 30, 2011

Monkey Monday Part Too

I haven't seen J-Rad look that scared since he saw Jackson impersonating the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...


 Meanwhile, Johnson and Graupner play dress-up for a magazine photo shoot (digging Ben J's lack of shirt...). I'm feeling a little peckish... can someone order me a Ben sandwich, please?



I cannot laugh. I am too busy scraping my own eyes out with the corner of my laptop

Thankfully they have the poster behind or I would have thought this was a MacGuyver exhibit.  Why do wax museums bother? I mean surely the idea is that it looks something like the person... this one hasn't even the same hair.  They've had to put NAME TAGS on them for Gods sake! This shit should be against the law.  It fucking hurts people.


Thanks Lucie xx  

OmifuckingohlookatJacksoninthispicture

Fingerporn... UNF UNF


Thanks KC xx

Monkey Monday

Today's Monkey Monday is brought to you by J-Bone fingerporn and Graupner voiceporn.


I love how Ben Johnson is falling asleep at the start - what kept him up late...?

via UncensoredInterview.com

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Crapshley are back in Jacktion.

So we have confirmed reports that Jacksper and Alishley (doesn't work for that one ey?) were totally sucking face after his concert recently somewhere in America...

Look at them - Everybody knows that walking through an airport together says 'we're fucking!' 

So... what should I say about that? *crickets*  I'm sure Bean may have something to say but for now? Let me just give you this instead... no need to thank me - just clean up your mess!

Mole porn... nom nom nom

Friday, May 27, 2011

Fuck me Friday - Alerting all Krisbians...

Check out Kristens eyes in this short promo for the MTV awards... FOXY!



And because we don't want to be the ones who left the dogs out....

Here's one with Taylor in it.




Thanks AZ xxx

Fuck Me Friday: Rathboner Edition


Insert riding joke here.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

One word: FINGERPORN


It cannot be denied: Rob has mad skillz.

Thanks Kimberlina, you Dirty Pirate Hooker, you!

Q: What's sexier than Robert Pattinson?

A: Squillionaire Robert Pattinson

Here's the first shot of Rob as billionaire Eric Packer in new movie, Cosmopolis. Doesn't he scrub up well?

*puts on sexytime music*

Now kick out that blonde bint, Rob, and make room for me on that backseat!

Via @CaitCronenberg on Twitter

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

This is what I see when I look out of my window..

The storm I mean, not the herd of angry vampires. 


For our readers also affected by these crazy tornadoes, stay safe and take cover as need be. You don't want to be around this kind of weather... or a bunch a vampires playing baseball... Bahaha!

(....but do visit our site when you're safe, to fantasize about the vampire bit. NOM!)

No, Chon, NO!!!


In a recent interview, Justin Chon gives his fellow aspiring Asians acting advice. And I fucking quote:

"It is a craft. It is a job. No matter how fun you might think it is, it still takes a lot of hard work, so learn the craft. I always give the analogy of, would you try to play on the Lakers or the NBA without ever having played basketball in your life? No, it’s not going to happen. Same thing with acting: a lot of kids these days watch the Disney Channel and they see this singer/danger/actor/make-up model and it’s cool, some people are just talented and can do everything. It’s a possibility but most likely, you’re not that talented. You should tell yourself that time to time, so you work harder and learn how to act. Get real training and don’t think you can step onto the set and be amazing. It’s not going to happen."

Real advice from a real professional. Please see vids like Dick So Big and Everyone So Nice for groundbreaking.. earth SHATTERING.. MIND BLOWING performances.

Sex face #3,456

Huff, huff, guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh. 


Make sure to click here, here, here, and here for previous sex faces. YUM.

The Claw!

"Fucking Jacob doll..."

I can't decide what I love most about this picture:
a) the fact that Taylor looks seriously pissed off about having to sign a shirtless Jacob doll (he can't even bring himself to look at the damn thing!);
b) the fact that his rabid fans seemed to have literally peed their pants with excitement judging by the wet patches on the floor (should have worn Shamanties);
or c) the fact that said Jacob doll appears to be being held out by a clawed alien.

On further reflection, I've decided it's actually d) the fact that TayTay's minder is blatantly thinking: "That fucking doll looks nothing like him. FAN FAIL!!"

Image via Zimbio

Kellan: I fucking love him but...

... whatthefucksten is up with this picture? Three things: 


1) Your hair 
2) Is that a sweater I see tied around your waist? Fail. 
3) Preppy pics like this cannot be compared to the likes of Louis and Lestat 

He has other pictures from this photo shoot that are just fine (you can click here to see them), but this one makes him look like a mental tennis player.

WHERE IS RIMR??!!

Maybe we can tempt her out of her love-cubby with this picture of Kiowa smelling his own tie.

Wank-Me-Wedn....no WAIT!

This is just not sexy... the Doctor is definitely OUT.
Suits should never EVER be made out of grannies curtains.  EVER.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Yeeeeehaw!! Part 2

Much like The Queen was to Barack Obama in Ireland this week, it turns out Charlie B-Cups in his cowboy gear was very much the warm-up to the main act, Mr Jackson Rathbone.


I'm not quite sure why he's playing a guitar made out of a cereal box, but I'll forgive him that. Quite frankly, I'd forgive him anything in that get-up.

Looks like we'll have to add Cowboy Jackson to The Rathboner doll collection...

Boots stay muthafuckin' on!

Circle of Truth: Le Bulge de Lutz

We recently established that many of you inexplicably do not find The Klutzinator sexy. Despite that, barely a day goes by without someone finding RC by Googling "KELLAN BULGE" - so this post is for you perverts! This man really knows how to work his angles... not to mention working those wires to enhance The Goods. Be careful there, Kellan - you're already cut, so don't do any further damage to Kelmet's Helmet!


Meanwhile, Kellan seems to finally be learning that less is more... Is it just me or is this nippleporn cover-up waaaaay sexier than KLutz's usual 'pecs out for the girls' photo shoots? Jeez, it even makes up for that weird pleather t-shirt in the first picture. Did he borrow that from his "special friend" Ashley?





Via Jedroot

Twangsplosion Tuesday - Le Petit Mort Edition

Holy Fuck.

Its beyond words what looking at this man does to me...

UNF-elicious!
Jesus...
Knee porn - I don't think I can take it...
Jaw porn, chest porn, hoboward porn... 
 Oh God...the hair porn...the hair porn...
Fuh-huck.
 Smoking Rob fucking slays me...
Sunday morning Rob... Slurp
Come here to me eyes... *thud*
Tara, Thank you xxx 

This is old Rob.

This is the charasmatic old gentleman who I believe (I haven't seen it) plays an old man Jacob in the movie Water for Elephants.   I think its really good casting and frankly I think he is HOT.  Rawr Grampa!

Then again this is me talking and I would do THIS GUY.  So...

Monday, May 23, 2011

More Monkey Monday: J-Rad Special

Oh Jerad. If you weren't so darn fuckhot, I'm not sure we could forgive you for all the crappy acting jobs you did before 100 Monkeys. But you are. So we will.

Here's J-Rad appearing (shirtless) in a old commercial as 'Dave', a 'victim' of an unprovoked sex attack by women because he was wearing Axe Vice deodorant (skip to 3:58 if you're in a hurry). As if it would take super-power toiletries to make us jump this man...


Incidentally, I think we need to set up a 'Naughty To Nice' correctional facility for some all of the Rob's Closet regulars.

Let me introduce you to the staff...

Doctor Cooper (in charge of medication)
Mr Rathbone, Secretary (in charge of administration)
Mr Pattinson (in charge of discipline)

I'm sure they'll turn us from naughty to nice in no time.

Thanks Little4V!

Monkey Monday: Stalker

Awww, J-Bone finally wrote a song about me... "Stalker"


via epnebelle

Bad Doggy!

In the words of our fabulous reader Sonia, who sent this in: "How I wish this was real... or at least free!"

Some people have waaaaay to much time on their hands to create something like this and then try and charge people to view it (I'm talking about you, hollywoodexposed.com). But I guess if there are TwiTards out there who will pay for pieces of crap like this and this, there must be TwiTards out there who would gladly hand over their credit card details to watch a fake sex tape of TayTay.

C'mon people! At least spend your hard earned cash on a fake sex tape of Crapsten!

One question, Sonia: what were you Googling to stumble across this, you filthy little minx?!


Rob Vs Chris Hemsworth

With 'Thor' star Chris Hemsworth being cast opposite K-Stew in 'Snow White and the Huntsman', we thought we'd better check out Rob's new competition. Some may see it as an gratuitous excuse for us to post sexy pictures of the pair, but don't underestimate the power of a Rob's Closet battle. Whoever wins this will win Stewy's heart. #TruFax

*ding ding*

Round 1: GQ Muthafuckas
Both Rob and Chris scrub up very well and both have a nice amount of scruffporn going on. But Rob's smouldering look in that picture can melt a pair of Shamanties at a thousand paces. Round 1 to Rob!


Round 2: Wet and Wild
Chris may have won this round if he'd worn white trousers that went see-through when wet. But he didn't. So he hasn't. And what's with the chair in the ocean?!


Round 3: The Shirtless Shot
We're not gonna lie - technically, Chris has got the better body. However, like Kellan, you just know he'd be gunning for a post-coital workout quicker than you can say 'hug-and-roll.' Not sexy. So round 3 goes to Rob!

And the winner is...

ROB!!

Sorry Chris, you'll always be Kim off Home and Away to me. And I still haven't forgiven you for leaving Rachel for Kit...


Sunday, May 22, 2011

WARNING: This picture may cause spontaneous ovulation, exploding underwear and possible happy husbands.

Yeeeeehaw!!

He may be of dubious sexual orientation* and occasionally resemble the old woman who packs AAE's shopping in her local supermarket** but you gotta admit Charlie B-Cups makes one helluva hot cowboy. Of course, he already had the guns for it... Reverse cowgirl, anyone?


*according to Google
**according to AAE

Is it just me...?

...Or is Bronson's girlfriend just not that into him?


Poor Bronson. Maybe she found the chicken leg scene in Eclipse a turn-off. Maybe she's seen Bron in his tighty-orangies. Maybe she's just thinking: "I'd rather be with Alex Meraz."

Cheer up, girlfriend, it could be worse. You could be stuck with Quil.

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