Sunday, July 31, 2011

Sometimes it's soooo exhausting being a Fan Fail...

Either that or she's accidentally taken the Roofies she was planning to slip into Rob's water at the Comic Con panel.

Shag Me Sunday: For the Krisbians

Shag Me Sunday

Just in case you're wondering why it took us two days to post this porn promo video of Kellan... well, put it this way, AAE now has carpal tunnel syndrome, RIMR is running seriously low on batteries, and I think I'm about to go blind.

Thanks to everyone who sent this in!

Friday, July 29, 2011

Fuck Me Friday: For the Wolfgirls

Can I get a 'Grrrrrrrrrr'?

Why celebrities should read the small print.

Sometimes I sit and think about celebrities, and how really, at the end of the day, they have it pretty shit.  They have more money than us, but seriously is it worth it?  I've never had any wish to be famous, in fact the thoughts of it make me shudder.  Imagine how horrible it must be, to have no outside space.  YOU CANNOT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT BEING MAULED OR EVEN WORSE LAUGHED AT.  I mean even in your garden the likelihood of being photographed as you scratch your ass are pretty high.  Then you are being laughed at by the whole world.  

Then you have the side that sends waves of horror through me that are so strong I sometimes fall over.

The fans... Oh my God.  You know what I think about the running-alongside-you fan, those assholes that imagine if they just whimper loud enough and keep pace with you you might stop and fall in love with them.

But imagine if you were involved with one of the Sci-Fi movies, like our darlings are, and so you pretty much had to go to Comic Con.  What. A. Nightmare.

The one place where you are guaranteed to find the bottom-feeders, the attic dwelling hair collectors, the adults with head braces, the bearded ladies... the people who for going outside usually means cat-calls of FREAK and THATS A BIG BITCH so they stay in, watch the sci-fi channell and somewhere inside their deformed heads they start thinking thats the real world.  And Comic con is full of them... There amongst the sexy Rob fans and the fat tattooed Twihards, you can find the weirdest fuckers on this planet.  



Those poor bastards... Here is the best of the worst, starting with one of the Twilight cast just to get within the RC brackets but after that pics of non-twilight stars that just make me warm and fuzzy and laughing my fucking ass off.

Yeah whats-yer-name-who-played-Felix, could you get your crotch any further from her butthole? 
Eh no.  Not without dislocating your hips anyway.  

Also can you fucking believe that these are the actors that replaced the original Sam and the other one (who was fuckHOT and shoulda stayed btw) for the second movie? The state of them! 

No you aren't seeing things. This a real picture. Now we have to figure out WTF?
 Aw... eh...what? (giggle)

 This woman looks like a thumb.

This picture is the most amazing picture I have ever seen in my entire life and think I might have to write to Luke Perry and tell him so.  Thanks for the magic, love AAE, sort of thing. 

Can't you read the pain in his eyes?
*Gasps* Ahahahhahaahahahhahhahahahhahahaaaaa

*sighs* I love Luke Perry... 

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Another reason why Stephanie Meyer should be tarred and feathered...

Emily needs to phone a hotline, girl got problems! Seriously.  Once a hitter...

"He didn't mean it" "He said he was sorry" "He loves me"

Really Stef? REALLY??? *facepalm*

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Caption contest!

I cannot wait to see your dirty bitchy imaginations run wild on this one!!

Thanks for the pic AZ xxx


Some little rideface went all outlaw on Summits ass and videod the Breaking Dawn clip at the Comic Con.
And now we've gone all outlaw and downloaded it to upload it for you! Its like an episode of Spooks or something over here.

Here it is.  Ta Da!  If its pulled let us know and we will upload it again!

But just before you watch it... make sure you don't want to wait till it's out in the picture house.  Robs Closet are not responsible for any regret you feel because you are an impatient impestuos FOOL.  Okay?

Monday, July 25, 2011

If looks could kill...

Well, it's clear who Kristen is throwing daggers at. But I want to know where Rob is really looking behind those sunglassess... 

Three guesses.

Thanks Marcela and Lisa!

Monkey Monday

Our dear reader nomnomnom_rob went to see 100 Monkeys... and all she brought us back was this video of Jackson's butt wiggle. I can't imagine why she thought we'd be interested in that...


It's strangely hypnotic if you watch it on repeat. Not that I'd know about that..

Of all things I love people who can laugh at themselves...and don't mind me joining in with gusto.

And so I'm in love with Ya'lita.  Cos she sent me this, and not only did she send me this but she is the person who fucking drew this.  And she knows its shit.  In fact her words were... " I know that it blows chunks..." Yes, yes it does.  And we fucking love it...!

Edward clearly auditioning for Dawn of the Dead here.

So time for a little competition.  We at Robs Closet would like to see your artworks sent to us at and the winner will have their picture displayed for all time on our sidebar! So get your crayons out and get drawing.  But do try your best, we find the funniest fanfails are the ones with the heart behind them! 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Kristen: I fucking love her but...

.. this armor looks like it could crush her 90 lb. body.

Oh, well. Work it out, giiiiiiiirl.

The reasons I don't want to meet Rob Pattinson are two-fold

One - I would have to explain what the puddle around my feet was and that would be awkward and probably get me kicked out of wherever I was.

Two - If he ever fucking looked at me like that I swear to God my thighs would have to be surgically removed from his face.  Promise.

Is it tonight yet?

True Blood may be more fucked up than ever at the moment, but I still can't help looking forward to more scenes like this. Eric and Alcide naked at the same time.... Mmm, yes please!

Shag Me Sunday: Bel Ami Special

Saturday, July 23, 2011


Hubba hubba Ado is looking gooood.

*I care. I do... I'm just excited about Adrian being back on my screen and not so excited about Bel Ami because its not on my tv on monday. You know how I am... 

When's it on? Monday 10:40pm Sky Atlantic
Why's it on? Because its a series 
Who's he on? Dunno but I wish it was me...

DISCLAIMER: Just because Robs Closet brought Adrian to the attention of your over-worked cooters does not mean you can hold us responsible for the state of your sofas come monday.  Or should I say CUM monday.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Bel Ami Trailer!

Introducing Slutty Rob. Me like.

"I will ruin you!"

Please Slutty Rob, be my guest...

The Closet goes mobile!

Rob loves his phone. We love Rob. You love your phone and Rob. We love you. 

Which is why we've just launched the brand spanking new PHONE FRIENDLY version of Rob's Closet! 

Go check it out on your mobile/ cell phone now! Now you can get to the goods faster!

Fuck Me Friday... The Encore

*** Team No Vids Spoiler Alert ***

Sadly, there only seems to be audio footage floating around online of the honeymoon scene (so far...). But if you play these two videos simultaneously, you'll get a kind of bootleg Breaking Porn. Genius!

Comic Con 2011: The Best Bits

I don't know about you guys but I'm a bit overwhelmed by all the Comic Con coverage. Don't get me wrong, I'm loving that we're getting blow by blow accounts of the event (I mean, who wouldn't want to know that at 14:03 Kristen scratched her nose or that at 14:17 Taylor looked down). And I would like to give a big, fat snog to the naughty peeps who didn't turn their cameras off during the scene screenings. But there is so much information to wade through - and quite frankly I've got a bottle of wine and the latest episode of True Blood to be getting on with. So if, like me, you simply can't be arsed to spend the next 127 hours trawling through the Comic Con posts, here's some of RC's fave bits from the convention...

* Rob describes the animatronic Renesmemememeee baby as "like one of those trolls you get on the end of pencils."
* Taylor has invented the imprinting dance: "Stop, twist, imprint." I knew Bill Condon would throw a musical number in their somewhere. Good job Taylor's been preparing for this moment his whole life...

* Kellan and Ashley: we know you guys have a "special" friendship but fantasising about an Emmet/ Alice shower scene? I can't decide whether that's incest or wife swapping but it's just plain icky. 
Get a room.
* Rob on the sex scenes: "You just get lubed up and dive right in" and "I'm basically a porn star." Oh. Dear. God. 

Gif via - quotes via MTV

Fuck ME Friday...


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Calendar Fail Part III

Um, who is this dude? 

Sorry, Rosalie. At first glance this looked like Fabioward.

Rob: I fucking love him but...

...dude really should have worn a hat to Comic Con.

The guy has HALF A HAIRCUT for gawd's sake! I'm sorry, but even Rob can't pull off the "my mates shaved my head when I was passed out drunk" look. Maybe he could make a wig out of TomStu's beard...

Now you see it....                                                                             Now you don't!
via RPLife

You know how when KStew was playing Joan Jett she went everywhere with her....? Right?

Well since when was Rob cast as Robinson Crusoe? Well?

Rob and a dog. Oh and his puppy, Bear.

Monday, July 18, 2011

No Chon, No!

Enough with the photos of you taking a dump! Enough, I tell you!!

Monkey Monday: Double Bill

There's nothing like a bit of Rathboner thrusting to kick start your week - so thanks to Closeteer LWNV for sharing her video from the 100 Monkeys Boston gig last week. She even turned her camera sideways for maximum imagination overdrive. How thoughtful!

Also at the show, the boys performed the improv song 'Birthday Suit'. As Jerad explained: "I chose this idea because it's something I wish all of us were wearing tonight." Not half as much as we wish it, Jerad...

Birthday Suit video via jamiemosher

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Kristen Stewart: How To Talk More Good

Thanks Casi

Teenwolf. I like.

I'm sitting here blogging while watching Teenwolf, MTVs tuppence into the mythical creature pot that has taken over teendom.  And its good - its creepy, has minor jumps, and well... a seriously hot cast lead by Mr Weird Face himself - Tyler Posey.

No this isn't Tyler looking slightly to the left, this is his face dead on. Isn't it weird? He is still a complete CHILF and would have made a lovely Jacob I reckon...

So Teenwolf gets the Robs Closet thumbs up! And because it is vaguely linked to Twilight through could have been cast and subject matter, it is allowed be on this blog - Isn't that exciting! Hurrah.... Maybe a Tyler vs Taylor post is due...! xxxx

Is it just me...?

...or does Rob look like he's plotting to steal Christmas here?

You know how you think you've read the funniest thing you've ever read until you actually read the funniest thing you've ever read? I do.

This was sent to us by my new favorite reader and gave me good chortling fodder this morning first thing.  Thanks for thinking of us Cindy, we love ya! xxx
TWILIGHT: If it was shorter and more honest.
Once upon a time, there lived an enchanting girl named Stephanie Meyer, er I mean Kristen Stewart. She was so awesome that her awesomeness couldn't be contained in Arizona, so she moved to Washington to stay with her father, who was totally lame and not cool.
Hey honey. I'm super lame. I got you a car, but it's totally uncool because I'm totally uncool.
Thanks Dad, or whatever. Time for my first day at a new school. Since every coming-of-age story requires the main character be a social outcast, I suppose I'll have to endure being the unpopular new girl until I do something that proves my worth.
Oh my God I love your hair you're so pretty will you be my new best friend?
Can I take you out sometime since you're so awesome?
No way you asshole, I saw her first!
I'd rather watch "The Messengers" than date either of you. Why don't you go ask Anna instead?
Ohmigod I'm getting Kristen's rejects, that's so awesome!
Wow. I guess this is what it looks like when the unpopular fat girl's pathetic daydreams get written down and published into a bestselling book. Aren't well-written characters supposed to have flaws?

Flaws? Oh, well, um, I suppose you could argue that you're a little TOO perfect and amazing. But I don't think so. Let's make out.

Click below to read more hilarity!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

PG-13 - Stop complaining!

I was watching bouncy boobs on my screen last night during a sex scene in the PG-13 movie Limitless and it got me thinking.  I keep reading complaints about the movie Breaking Fail being PG-13.  What on earth is the problem with that? Have you seen PG-13 lately? I have 'cause I got one of those teenpainers in my house all the time.  And I can tell you... it ain't all billowing curtains and waves on the sand.  There ain't much fade to black either - I know because I seem to spend my time shouting "Earmuffs!!" and "EYEBALLS EYEBALLS" to my kid.

'The Notebook' is PG-13... Remember the sex in that?  There is a loh-hoh-hot of panting and thrusting in that one... To remind yourself click HERE - I just did and now I totally need to watch that movie for the thousandth time!

'Remember Me' is PG-13.... I mean come on girls that scene had me moaning and writing all over the floor, despite the ssshing coming from the other cinema goers.... You know? Oh I'm gonna have to watch that again too - bummer!

Come on, aren't these the best scenes? The ones where we get to see Robs sex face and hair porn instead of some full on leave nothing to the imagination in out in out over 18s XXX scene?

PG-13 sex scenes fucking ROCK!

So stop complaining bitches, Seriously!

A test of your integrity

A few months ago, Scummit got their knickers in a twist over a gazillion leaked photos from Breaking Dawn. Here at RC Towers, we just took our knickers off. But some Twitards took the moral high ground and refused to look at the pics, for fear that Rob would never marry them if he knew they'd typed "leaked Breaking Dawn stills" into Google. If you're not one of those people, you might want to click here for a new treat. Be quick now.

Scummit Execs weekly meeting

Thanks Claire!

Calendar Fail Part II

"You're heeeeeerrrre, there's nooooothing to fear, and I know that my heart will go oooooooonnnnnn...."

Wait-WHAT?! You mean, this isn't Leo DiCaprio circa 1997?

Seriously, BD wardrobe people - I know Daddy C is from, like, the olden days, but there's no need to dress him up as Jack from Titanic. Come back Ken doll hair, all is forgiven!

Thanks PinkLady for drawing my attention away from Mr June to notice this fail!

Calendar Fail?

You know how there are those crazy Twitards out there who can't tell the difference between Twilight characters and their real life counterparts? You know, the ones who think Rob and Edward are one and the same person, a bit like Clark Kent and Superman? Well, it would appear the makers of the new Breaking Dawn calendar have the same problem... They've only gone and stuck in a photo of that Jasper Rathbone bloke, er, I mean, Jackson Hale.... no, Jacksper Cullen. Oh whatever his name is! 

Don't get me wrong - I'm not complaining. Jasper finally looks fuckhawt - not a dead poodle in sight. But he has dark brown hair, looks very rock 'n' roll, and that neckchain is most definitely 'model's own' (how sad is it that I know that?). So either the printers put in a photo of Real Life Jackson by mistake... or I am gonna need one helluva pair of extra strength Shamanties to get me through Breaking Dawn!

Friday, July 15, 2011

Again, people + time on their hands = HILARITY

Jackson when he saw Bean was coming home

Ah RobFics do make me laugh...

There are so many reasons, the first being that it doesn't really make sense, I mean we all know Edward Cullen, we know him as well as Stephanie Meyer does because everything we need to know about him is written down in a book.  So we can write our own stories, and manipulate his character a little even (I mean my Edward is not a vampire) but he is still Edward.

But writing about Rob? Well you aren't really writing about Rob, are you? I mean you don't know him AT ALL. Yeah you know how he looks, and talks, but you have no idea what he would be like in any situation really.  Really.

So the stories about Rob really tickle me, I usually laugh out loud and sometimes I puke.  They just seem so pointless, and gratuitous and sometimes downright illegal!

Here is one that made me laugh, its just so funny! The writing is really cute - she does what a lot of high school kids do when writing and 'over-adjectify'.... like this line "He ordered a simple beer"... is there any other kind? What is a complicated beer?

Oh and she uses words like 'cold beverage' which cracks me up.  

Here is a little taste... oh and she censors herself which is fucking hysterical...

"I Won't **** You Tonight" Rated R (FINISHED) 

It started with a ****ing glance…

I looked into his hazel eyes that started to transform into a Dark Blue as he watched me walk towards the bar to order a Coke since I refused to drink. From the corner of my eye, I could tell he was stammering while standing next to his Twilight co-star Kristen Stewart, whom I was good friends with since her Panic Room days.

I sat down at the bar and enjoyed my cold beverage as I waited for him to do something. Him and Kristen were talking fiercely and I knew Kristen was going to win…she always won. Just then, he looked me in the eyes and walked in my direction. I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk to him since he WAS going to be a desired man once the Twilight movie came out.

Why bother take him before everyone wants him?

He sat in the bar seat next to me and ordered a simple beer. He looked at me quietly as I took a sip from my Coke. “So, what’s your name?” he asked me in a quiet tone as he looked at me, hungry to obviously see me without my clothes on. I smiled as I looked at him “I’m Libbi…and you are?” he froze for a moment.

“My name is Robert…” he told me almost in a whisper. I nodded and turned to Kristen “So, you know Kristen?” He nodded as he took a sip of his beer. As I saw his fingers as they imagined to touch my porcelain skin. I knew how it would always go down…I’m a ****ing journalist…I got this reaction all the time when I was looking rather…hot!

I just wanted him not to want me so bad, how come he had to be like the rest?

I took a deep breathe before I scooted closer to him “So, Robert…how was the event for you?” he smiled. “It was…just another party for me…” he seemed to be sarcastic about it, but I didn’t want to say anything. I nodded and smiled as he pulled out a cigarette and lit it. I just sat there and watched him as he took a drag and offered me one.

I shook my head and he put his pack away. I sighed as he thought of something to say. His desperate eyes told me so bad that he wanted to take me home and **** me hard. It wasn’t going to happen either way; I don’t do one-night stands. He took another drag from his cigarette “So, Kristen says you’re a Journalist!” I nodded as he finished his beer. Robert smiled “I don’t get journalism…I find it crude and an unrespectable art form!” I smiled “Well Robert, you haven’t met me!” 

Enjoy it, its good and funny because its so damn cute! CLICK HERE TO READ MORE.

Spellcheck. Always a good idea.

So this, apparently, is a tatt you can get should you be, like our heroine Bella, torn between the two sides... vamps or wolves...

Apparently it reads vampires when viewed one way, and werewolf when viewed the other way.  Isn't that amazing? Isn't it?

Except it doesn't.  According to my EYES it clearly reads 'backwards E, small map of Italy, A,M,P,I,R, could be an E, and a squiggle.  Then the other way it reads 'W, bottle-opener, R (with a blot under), weird U, W, U,L,E.

Again, stop with the Twilight tattooing of the stupid people.  STOP.

EDIT: I've just looked at the picture again and need to ask - WHAT PART OF THE BODY IS THAT? A FOOT? Why is there hair on it? *shudders*

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Welcome Home Bean!

We've got tongueporn, junkporn... and plenty of jaw porn.
Oh and lots of Squeeeeing.

Welcome home Beanie, we missed you! 

Thanks to Melissa x

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Its all 'shits' and giggles...

...until somebody giggles and shits...!

Thanks to all our readers for making Robs Closet what it has become. Over the next few weeks there will be a major competition to win... a ROB AUTOGRAPH!! Watch this space.


I dunno... it just doesn't seem quite right... is it fake?


Some people have too much time on their hands...

I was on Facebook earlier, signed in as Robs Closet, when I saw a link to this...

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I love Twilight but I don't understand this level of fandom... but nothing.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

You're fucked up and I love you for it.


Rob Pattinsons dog was out walking with some assistant guy!!!! SQUEEEEEEEE!!! SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

I know, I know... just try to calm down.  Sit down, here is a drink of water... put your shamanties on. Quickly! Oh... look don't mind its an old sofa.  Lets just turn away from the screen for a moment, catch your breath... now okay... you can look again, but lets just use one eye so cover the other one.  Its less intense that way... Okay... can you breathe? No? Shit! Bean!! Rimr!! Grab the defibrillator!! Yep we've lost another one with this most awesome of stories!! I know!! Maybe we should stop reporting these extraordinary events... it just leads to chaos*

*I actually meant the exact opposite of everything above.

Saturday, July 9, 2011


Yeh. I'd look like I want to swallow Rob, too.

Who has read Cosmopolis?

Can someone tell me where in the book this Eric Packer fellow gets the world's most fucked up haircut ever?


Friday, July 8, 2011

Rob: I fucking love him but...

...I would totally do his mate.

(No, I'm not talking about TomStu... I don't get that either.) 

Gah, that voice! THAT VOICE! Melting Shamanties at a thousand paces. 


So look what Laure sent us... you little beauty - you're now my favorite reader... it took me twenty minutes to post this because I passed out, like, four times and had to mop up before I could sit down again...

UNF x serious case of turrets syndrome.

This fucking PICTURE!! THIS FUCKING PICTURE!!! Its got everything, jaw, stubble, frown, teeth, chest, porn porn.  God Rob, I fucking love you...but nothing.
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