- Knicker Explosions
- FAN FAIL
- The Rathboner
- The Top Shelf
- I fucking love him but...
- DIRTY LAUNDRY
- Is it just me?
- Rob's Claus-it
- The Rest Versus...
- Monkey Magic
- Rob vs...
- Oooo I hate...
- Catherine Hardwicke...What a C*nt.
- Rob's Sack
- Circle of Truth
- No Chon No
- Sunday best
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Yep its me again, AAE, just thinking about you and wonderin how you are up there in self satisfied land?
I have another question for you. Its related to the "howdovampiresgethardonsiftheyhavenoheartbeatandthereforenobloodflow" question of last time.
Stef, you know how in Twilight land the vamps kinda smash when they are hit and then they get all back together? (See right) I mean we saw in the battle scene in Eclipse that all it seems to take is a flailing punch for Gods sake.
Well how come that doesn't happen when they are riding each other? I mean does Rosalies pelvis shatter four times a night? Does Jasper appear at the end of Alices bed wongless and screaming TURN ON THE LIGHT so he can retrieve his smithereens of peen?
And most importantly when Edward bangs Bella in Breaking Dawn, not that we got to be there thanks to you, but how did that work exactly? Did they use lots of lube? I mean sitting onto a ten incher (See last post) is challenge enough but one that is made of stone!! and cold as ICE!!! Does she stick to it like you would to an icepop?
I eagerly await your reply.
Lots of love and a quick slap in the face,
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Oh right... now I get it... it's supposed to be Edward Cullen. I was wondering why you sent us a picture of a computer-generated VJ from the '80s...
Gossip Cop have quashed the rumblings, but here at Rob's Closet we'd like to say to Ashley: Don't go changing, girl! We love the fact that you're always out having fun. It's like having that one girlfriend who rings you up every Sunday morning to say, 'You'll never guess who I snogged last night...' We never know which random C-list celeb you'll get caught kissing next, and we live in hope that one day you'll get really, really lashed and jump Kellan in front of the paps. (Take that, McWhore!)
Memo to Miley's 'people': FYI, we've banned Ashley from hanging out with The Virus in case she catches something.
Rob + Pattinson + Nappy.
That was one search that took me by surprise. For those of you that are born in the USA well a 'Nappy' is a 'Diaper' in your language.
Compared to that the rest are pretty tame, there is a lot of Sexy + Jackson + Rathbone, a few I + HATE + TWILIGHT's, and a fuckload of I + want + to + have + sex + with + RPattz (don't we all sister, don't we all...)
Anyway... God knows what Rob Pattinsons Nappy was after that evening... God only knows and He probably shudders on his cloud thinking about it. We wish RPN every best wish in her quest to find that sexy nappy... Good luck RPN... And if you are reading this, let us know what you were looking for my darling. There are people here that understand, people here that can help... People to search for that nappy with you God dammit!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Now look what the peahead has been quoted as saying regarding Breaking Dawn.
“I think the birth should be as horrifying as it is in the novel" She said patting herself on the back and looking in the mirror, "The sex scenes should be as scintillating as they are in the novel, as erotic as they are in the novel. All of it, I think we should see all of it.”
Great. I've always wanted to see Kristen Stewart's stomach ripped open by Rob Pattinson. Almost as much as I've wanted to see Taylor Lautner get back at all of us Cougar bitches by lusting over a toddler...
On a lighter note look at this picture. Ah ha ha.
How is it that I absolutely fucking love Twilight but absolutely hate these two women? They out do each other every time in smugness and bad dressing. Ugh.
Yep I'm a twiHARD. Through and through...
You know the drill, I buy "Twilight Sensations" washing powder... I am visibly shocked when people say 'Rob Patterson' and I would actually buy a Volvo C30 just so I could sit in the passenger seat with my cardboard rob stuffed in the drivers seat in the dark.
Don't laugh you pack of filthy bitches you know damn fucking well you would too.
Recently it was noted that out of our four lovely closeters here at the randy office of RC, two of us live in Dublin and the other two will shortly be living in Las Vegas. My twilight orientated brain immediately recognised the potential for a split that could only be defined as Meyer like. Wolves vs Vamps... Its bound to happen isnt it?
So lets have a look.
Dublin.... Its cold, and most of us are pale white... Its dark (at night) and our wit is often described as sharp. Not only that but begorrah and begosh the INVENTOR of vampires, our own Bram Stoker, was an Irishman!! Oh and we dress well... and we like eating animals... and we have crosses in our houses, we are very concerned about our souls... AND we do our exams a LOT (but only cos we fail the first time) Lets see what else... We're fast (as in it doesn't take a lot to get our affections, a pint o' Guinness will do!) and we are incredibly strong (willed). We sparkle in the sunlight, usually cos we are wearing cheap wool but nonetheless. We never age (in our minds) and drive too fast! We are Cullen-esque in all we do!
Vegas.... Its hot, hot, hot! Most of the people there are darker, often with an orange hue. There is loads and loads of Native american associations to match Dublin's vampire ones! The people there are always imprinting (even if only for 24 hours) and rarely are seen with tops on! They love the bright lights and are never afraid to go out in the daytime, even if only to find a clock. They are gamblers, like Jacob, willing to bet it all on a high risk and are still trying even when it goes to the dogs!
So there you go! Its plain to see, the sides are still set. Everything, everything can be dragged into this Twilight world of ours!
Tell us what weird associations you have had to do with Twilight, like the time you bought extra tokens to get the Sparkle wash in the carwash, or the time you left in a fit of jealousy when you discovered your friends maiden name was Cullen (oh no that was both me!)
In the retail version of a #FanFail, British store Marks & Spencer is launching a new range of men's underwear inspired by RPattz himself. Before you choke on your Vitamin R at this shameless cash-in on our beloved Twi-god, it gets better - they've called the grundies... wait for it...
I am not so big a fan that I want to hear what you think of the movie every step of the way. No, no, NO! I also do not want to hear your critique of the movie while it is playing out. AND I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT TO HEAR A DETAILED BACKGROUND AND STORY-LINE OF EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO FECKIN YOUNG TO SEE THE FIRST TWO FUCKING MOVIES.
I need my own cinema.... I just like it quiet in there people. I just want to sit in the midst of all things Edward, and apart from my own occasional stifled moan, I don't want to hear NUTTIN BUT THE MOVIE.
So I was delighted to find these little beauties in my local chemist, aren't they fab! I put them to good use last night on my latest cinematic Edward expo!
The tweenies didn't stand a chance...
To celebrate I'm offering one of our readers a chance to win a packet of these helpful little stickies, I use 'em for all sorts of situations, to keep my legs crossed while watching the Cullen house scene in Twilight, to stop myself lustfully eating my own computer while scrolling through the vanity fair pics, and to prevent myself from hearing my brothers go on about how Twilight is just "soooo bent".
To win this amazingly handy tin of stylish bandages its simple, become a Follower here on Blogger of our sexy little closet! Its as easy as that! We will pick a random reader out of our followers at the end of tomorrow and those fucktastic plasters will be winging their way pronto!!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Who knew that this tomboy with uneven hair and a permanent scowl actually looks like this in real life:
Monday, July 26, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Have you ever looked at our Twilight cast and wondered, "Who are the two beings that created such a beautiful person?" We have.
Especially when we have seen some of their parents face to face. Check it:
1. Nils Allen Stewart - Boo Boo's Dad
He's a 6' 3" ex-stunt coordinator turned security guard/schedule nazi. Don't even think about doing spirit fingers around Boo Boo unless you want a loud rumble out of this guy.
2. Daniel Lautner aka Big Daddy - Taylor's Dad
Daddy Lautner acts as a 3-in-1 for Taylor; he's a father-bodyguard-Tay's BFF. Who needs friends when you have a Big Daddy?
3. John Stewart aka PapaStew - Kristen's Dad
If Boo Boo's dad was a skinny hippie, he would be this man. Not only does PapaStew keep it real like KStew, but he also has better hair than her.
Is it just me.. or should we REALLY be thanking these guys for having pretty wives? Someone had to pass on something attractive from the gene pool.
There's no doubt that there are some major DILF's in the Twilight saga, but sometimes we've got to let the bad in with the good.