Saturday, July 31, 2010

Screw Me Saturday: Crufts Special Part II

He puts the 'Ab' in Abduction. UNFFFF!


Screw Me Saturday: Crufts Special

Chaske, I wanna ride on your triceratops.*
What can I say? I have a thing for men in glasses.

*Ask anyone who went to BosCon

Via the awesome BlackPack

The Robsicle

Sent into us by "More_than_my_own_life" (abbreviate my darling please!) this lovely shot shows me what I have to look forward to when RPattz comes a-knocking which I have noooo doubt he will. Someday.  Most of you will focus on the trouser area in this photo, and finally tick the He hangs to the left box on your "Things I Know About Rob" chart by your bed.  He hangs to the left, and nearly to his fucking knees by the looks of things.

Popsicle anyone?

Also MTMOL said she wasn't sure if we wanted to see shit like this here at Robs Closet.
She obviously never saw THIS post.


Holy mother of Forks!!


Fan Fail...

No.  Your friends will not be convinced.  Unless you all attend Perkins school for the blind.

On a lighter note how fucking SEXY is Rob with that new haircut.  *Licks screen*

Dear Stephanie...

Dear Stef, 

Yep its me again, AAE, just thinking about you and wonderin how you are up there in self satisfied land?

I have another question for you.  Its related to the "howdovampiresgethardonsiftheyhavenoheartbeatandthereforenobloodflow" question of last time.


Stef, you know how in Twilight land the vamps kinda smash when they are hit and then they get all back together? (See right)  I mean we saw in the battle scene in Eclipse that all it seems to take is a flailing punch for Gods sake.

Well how come that doesn't happen when they are riding each other? I mean does Rosalies pelvis shatter four times a night? Does Jasper appear at the end of Alices bed wongless and screaming TURN ON THE LIGHT so he can retrieve his smithereens of peen? 

And most importantly when Edward bangs Bella in Breaking Dawn, not that we got to be there thanks to you, but how did that work exactly? Did they use lots of lube? I mean sitting onto a ten incher (See last post) is challenge enough but one that is made of stone!! and cold as ICE!!! Does she stick to it like you would to an icepop?                                     

I eagerly await your reply.                                                                             

Lots of love and a quick slap in the face,


Friday, July 30, 2010


First rule of art as told to me by my kindy teacher.  FILL THE PAGE.

Fuck Me Friday... Again

In honor of me finally watching The Runaways....

kristen stewart,dakota fanning,gif,the runaways movie


Twat us on Twitter: @Robs_Closet

Fuck Me Friday

'Remember Me' Rob...

Oh, we'll never forget...


Thursday, July 29, 2010

And they just keep on coming...

I think we should rename today Fan Fail Thursday. Big love to our favourite greyface Mell61 for sending us in this amazing picture of Max Headroom. (Now might be a good time to point out that she didn't actually draw it... I hope.)

Oh right... now I get it... it's supposed to be Edward Cullen. I was wondering why you sent us a picture of a computer-generated VJ from the '80s...

Party On, Ashley!

Rumours surfaced recently that Smiley Virus has been banned from hanging out with our fave girl crush, Ashley Greene, because Ash is too much of a party girl. I can't possibly think where The Virus's 'people' got that idea...

Gossip Cop have quashed the rumblings, but here at Rob's Closet we'd like to say to Ashley: Don't go changing, girl! We love the fact that you're always out having fun. It's like having that one girlfriend who rings you up every Sunday morning to say, 'You'll never guess who I snogged last night...' We never know which random C-list celeb you'll get caught kissing next, and we live in hope that one day you'll get really, really lashed and jump Kellan in front of the paps. (Take that, McWhore!)

Memo to Miley's 'people': FYI, we've banned Ashley from hanging out with The Virus in case she catches something.

For a minute there I thought this was a photograph.

Good Jesus put the pencils DOWN people!!

I'm laughing so much I cannot think of a title for this fucking post.

There are no words.  Yes its Jacob.

Blog patrol update!

I check our stats every now and again. No no you dirty fools I'm not measuring our boobs and bums... I'm looking at the statistics of this little blog of ours and seeing what brings people to Robs Closet, what countries our readers are from and what kinds of things they have entered into google which brings them to us.

Rob + Pattinson + Nappy.

That was one search that took me by surprise.  For those of you that are born in the USA well a 'Nappy' is a 'Diaper' in your language.

Compared to that the rest are pretty tame, there is a lot of Sexy + Jackson + Rathbone, a few I + HATE + TWILIGHT's, and a fuckload of I + want + to + have + sex + with + RPattz (don't we all sister, don't we all...)

Anyway... God knows what Rob Pattinsons Nappy was after that evening... God only knows and He probably shudders on his cloud thinking about it.  We wish RPN every best wish in her quest to find that sexy nappy... Good luck RPN... And if you are reading this, let us know what you were looking for my darling.  There are people here that understand, people here that can help... People to search for that nappy with you God dammit!

A Pondering of sorts.

Its funny... but I am left wondering for real about any nude scenes in Breaking Dawn... This may just become a reality Girls....

Anybody who'd like to see some sparkly balls say AYE!

Couldn't wait til Friday....

...So how about Thuck Me Thursday instead? (That's how I'm pronouncing it anyway after seeing this pic - 'cos my tongue is hanging out of my mouth...)

Via JR Online

Fan Fail... or in other words - WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS??

What the fuck is this? What is it? What?

What the fuck is wrong with people? *pukes in own mouth*

Is it just me...

...or is Ashley Greene channeling her inner Eclipse Bella?

One of these things is not like the other one..

Is it just me....

...or does the new Coke ad have a puppet who seems to be vaguely familiar?
Would that be a Cullen of the Edward-occhio variety? And LOOK! Stephanie Meyer is in the backround with Nikki Reed!!

Its definately Edward Cullen.... I mean look at the effect he has on the ladeeeez. 


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Oh please no!!

Eh the worlds biggest gomdaw Melissa "Nobody talks like that" Rosenberg has been getting my wick up for a long time... Since 21 November 2008 actually.  

Now look what the peahead has been quoted as saying regarding Breaking Dawn.

“I think the birth should be as horrifying as it is in the novel" She said patting herself on the back and looking in the mirror, "The sex scenes should be as scintillating as they are in the novel, as erotic as they are in the novel. All of it, I think we should see all of it.”

Great.  I've always wanted to see Kristen Stewart's stomach ripped open by Rob Pattinson. Almost as much as I've wanted to see Taylor Lautner get back at all of us Cougar bitches by lusting over a toddler...

Woop. Eee.

On a lighter note look at this picture.  Ah ha ha.

How is it that I absolutely fucking love Twilight but absolutely hate these two women? They out do each other every time in smugness and bad dressing.  Ugh. 



Yep I'm a twiHARD.  Through and through...

You know the drill, I buy "Twilight Sensations" washing powder... I am visibly shocked when people say 'Rob Patterson' and I would actually buy a Volvo C30 just so I could sit in the passenger seat with my cardboard rob stuffed in the drivers seat in the dark.

Don't laugh you pack of filthy bitches you know damn fucking well you would too.


Recently it was noted that out of our four lovely closeters here at the randy office of RC, two of us live in Dublin and the other two will shortly be living in Las Vegas.  My twilight orientated brain immediately recognised the potential for a split that could only be defined as Meyer like.  Wolves vs Vamps... Its bound to happen isnt it?

So lets have a look.

Dublin.... Its cold, and most of us are pale white... Its dark (at night) and our wit is often described as sharp.  Not only that but begorrah and begosh the INVENTOR of vampires, our own Bram Stoker, was an Irishman!! Oh and we dress well... and we like eating animals... and we have crosses in our houses, we are very concerned about our souls... AND we do our exams a LOT (but only cos we fail the first time) Lets see what else... We're fast (as in it doesn't take a lot to get our affections, a pint o' Guinness will do!) and we are incredibly strong (willed).  We sparkle in the sunlight, usually cos we are wearing cheap wool but nonetheless. We never age (in our minds) and drive too fast! We are Cullen-esque in all we do!

Vegas.... Its hot, hot, hot! Most of the people there are darker, often with an orange hue.  There is loads and loads of Native american associations to match Dublin's vampire ones! The people there are always imprinting (even if only for 24 hours) and rarely are seen with tops on! They love the bright lights and are never afraid to go out in the daytime, even if only to find a clock.  They are gamblers, like Jacob, willing to bet it all on a high risk and are still trying even when it goes to the dogs!

So there you go! Its plain to see, the sides are still set.  Everything, everything can be dragged into this Twilight world of ours!

Tell us what weird associations you have had to do with Twilight, like the time you bought extra tokens to get the Sparkle wash in the carwash, or the time you left in a fit of jealousy when you discovered your friends maiden name was Cullen (oh no that was both me!)

Get In Rob's Pants

Wanna get into Rob's underpants? OK, no need to answer that... But now you literally can!

In the retail version of a #FanFail, British store Marks & Spencer is launching a new range of men's underwear inspired by RPattz himself. Before you choke on your Vitamin R at this shameless cash-in on our beloved Twi-god, it gets better - they've called the grundies... wait for it...

I just hope they didn't use this picture - zygote alert! - for their inspiration...

See no Edward, Hear no Edward, Speak no Edward...

Okay so I love love love Twilight, thats established.  I love it so much I have seen Eclipse eight times even in the midst of my house renovations.  I am a super fan.


I am not so big a fan that I want to hear what you think of the movie every step of the way. No, no, NO! I also do not want to hear your critique of the movie while it is playing out.  AND I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT TO HEAR A DETAILED BACKGROUND AND STORY-LINE OF EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO FECKIN YOUNG TO SEE THE FIRST TWO FUCKING MOVIES.

I need my own cinema.... I just like it quiet in there people.  I just want to sit in the midst of all things Edward, and apart from my own occasional stifled moan, I don't want to hear NUTTIN BUT THE MOVIE.

So I was delighted to find these little beauties in my local chemist, aren't they fab! I put them to good use last night on my latest cinematic Edward expo!

The tweenies didn't stand a chance...

To celebrate I'm offering one of our readers a chance to win a packet of these helpful little stickies, I use 'em for all sorts of situations, to keep my legs crossed while watching the Cullen house scene in Twilight, to stop myself lustfully eating my own computer while scrolling through the vanity fair pics, and to prevent myself from hearing my brothers go on about how Twilight is just "soooo bent".

To win this amazingly handy tin of stylish bandages its simple, become a Follower here on Blogger of our sexy little closet! Its as easy as that! We will pick a random reader out of our followers at the end of tomorrow and those fucktastic plasters will be winging their way pronto!!

Happy Hump Day!

Or should that be Happy TRAIL Hump Day?
Luckily, Kellan's hair down there is distracting us from the apparently receding hair on his head...

Fashion Fail

Anna, whatthefucksten are you wearing here?!

Have you been taking fashion advice from Ashley Greene??

The blue leopard print-like dress with the lopsided boobs and banana yellow heels are not working for you, babe. You have a pretty face, though!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Daddy C Vs Alex Skarsgard

It's PFach versus ASkars in the Battle of the Butts.

I can't pick a winner so I'll let y'all take a closer look and decide...

Julia Jones: I fucking love her but...

....the Twilight Saga does NOT do her beauty justice.

Who knew that this tomboy with uneven hair and a permanent scowl actually looks like this in real life:

She's so pretty it hurts. Damn the saga for making me think otherwise.

Pic Source: and LaPush_It

Monday, July 26, 2010

We missed one....

Somehow in the excitement of the BosCon aftermath, we missed the Mother Of All Tongueporn pictures.... Better late than never, right?

Thanks KayPR!

Monkey Monday Extra!

'Cos today has been a Manic Monday - we just need that little something XXXtra...

Thanks to DarlinItsSableJ, who couldn't wait til #FMF.

Monkey Monday - Orson Brawl

How to get your week off to an awesome start in three easy steps:
Step #1: Pump up the volume on your computer.
Step #2: Click 'play' on the below video.
Step #3: Jump around your bedroom/ office/ classroom like a loon.

Feel better already, don't you?

Sunday, July 25, 2010


Picture the scene: RPattz is broken-hearted that Stewy has decided to go back to her one true love, Oregano, and you just happen to be there to comfort him in the only way you know how. You take him home, hit play on Sia's 'My Love' and start getting down 'n' dirty. Rob eagerly slips off your Pattinson Pants, only to be confronted with THIS:

Two words: FAN FAIL
Oh, so you're a wolf girl? Yeah, we've got one for you too... Just replace Rob with Taylor.
I just gotta say to all our Stateside readers, you must be so proud that these were MADE IN THE USA.

Xavier: I fucking love him but...

...not in this picture.

Judging by his face, XS just caught sight of himself in the mirror...

Shag Me Sunday

Enjoy the gun show, people.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Screw Me Saturday

There's nothing like a bit of nippleporn and crotch-bulge from the KLutzinator (thanks Kiwi_Sparkle!) to kick off your weekend.
We don't want you to strain your eyes, so...

Friday, July 23, 2010

Fuck Me Friday

O-Face + scratches/cuts? Which one of you got a little too rough with Rob last night??


Edward Stops Runaway Cab, Saves Bloggers

We hinted to the fact that during BosCon, RIMR and I almost died in a cab gone rogue. What you don't know is how we were rescued from this situation.

As we were in said cab trying to get to Kellan's hotel, our cabbie conveniently decided to take a nap. The lane curved to the right, our cabbie went left.

*BOOM!!!* went the cab up onto the median. We saw trees as well as our short lives flash before our eyes. Suddenly a white figure dashed out of nowhere, crouched in front of an oncoming light post, and he STOPPED THE CAB...he PUSHED IT AWAY with his hand! I know that no one's gonna believe me, but I just needed to tell the truth. Edward was out there protecting 1/2 of his favorite website bloggers.

If you see this cab company around Boston, please... "don't do anything reckless" and get in this car. I cannot guarantee Edward will always be there to save you.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

The DINF's of Twilight

DINF [din-f] - noun and acronym for Dad's I'd Never Fuck

Have you ever looked at our Twilight cast and wondered, "Who are the two beings that created such a beautiful person?" We have.

Especially when we have seen some of their parents face to face. Check it:

1. Nils Allen Stewart - Boo Boo's Dad

He's a 6' 3" ex-stunt coordinator turned security guard/schedule nazi. Don't even think about doing spirit fingers around Boo Boo unless you want a loud rumble out of this guy.

2. Daniel Lautner aka Big Daddy - Taylor's Dad

Daddy Lautner acts as a 3-in-1 for Taylor; he's a father-bodyguard-Tay's BFF. Who needs friends when you have a Big Daddy?

3. John Stewart aka PapaStew - Kristen's Dad

If Boo Boo's dad was a skinny hippie, he would be this man. Not only does PapaStew keep it real like KStew, but he also has better hair than her.

Is it just me.. or should we REALLY be thanking these guys for having pretty wives? Someone had to pass on something attractive from the gene pool.

There's no doubt that there are some major DILF's in the Twilight saga, but sometimes we've got to let the bad in with the good.

(Thanks to JacobIsMyHeroion for creating the word)
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