Sunday, February 28, 2010

Rob's Cl-Oscars: The 2nd Nominees

Listen up, bitches! Here are the 2nd round of nominees for the prestigious Rob's Cl-Oscars awards...


Best DILF
Daddy C - Chief Swan - Billy Black

Worst Fashion Fail


CW's orange pants - Kiowa's Elton John get-up - KStew's Leather Ensemble - Nikki's Teen Choice dress - Chon's Teen Choice outfit - CH's dreadlocks

Most Pointless Pap Pic

Tay & Selena's fro-yo - Kellan gets gas - Jackson's footlong

Most Random Twi-Merchandise

Edward Manllow - RPattz Cross-stitch - Vamp Vibrator - Edward Sock Zombie

Villain of the Year
Catherine Hardwicke - Scumshit - Melissa Rosenberg - Smiley Virus


Stay tuned for the third and final round of nominations - once they're announced, we'll give you the link to the voting site and the voting begins! Check out the first batch of nominees here.

**EDIT** Voting is now open! Click here to vote. Remember, polls close March 11, 2010!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Sex Scene Poll Results!

Thanks for all the input on this one! The votes swayed largely in one direction, but I got a few surprise answers that made me guffaw! So, what did YOU have to say about the best sex scene on Rob's resume? *Drumroll*

It's Going To Be Bel Ami!

(Yes, I did the manip myself. Muahahaha!)

But I, in no way, fabricated or altered these results. I, unlike some pollsters, am a professional bitch. And on that note, here. we. go.


You guys blew 'Remember Me' and 'Breaking Dawn' out of the water, but I personally gave Aloha 500 cool points, a new Mercedes, and a good spank on the ass for her "Water for Elephants" bestiality vote. Elephant sex? That's some serious UNF!

I can always count on you guys to give it to me straight. That's why I fucking love you but nothing!


Check back soon for the next RC Poll: We're better than sex.*

*sometimes

Fuck Me Friday

Forget the BAFTAs. This is Rob in a suit, the way it should be done.

Hummina Hummina

JACKSON: I fucking love him but...

...what the fuck is that on his jeans?!


Looks like Rob isn't the only one with dirty laundry... Ah, who gives a crapsten when we get a crotch shot and tattoo in the same picture?! Fuck Me Friday, anyone?

Rob Fan Fail vs. Taylor Fan Fail

As you've seen here on Rob's Closet, there have been some pretty horrendous Rob masterpieces. RC reader, I_Luv_Wolves, decided to take it upon herself to see if there are just as many hideous Taycob drawings. Which twi-guy is the least bit flattered in this artwork?


In these pics, the artists have made Jacob into a Disney character. We have Pocahontas to your left, and Mowgli to your right.


And then there are these two.. which actually aren't terrible at all.



So I ask you, RC reader, who has the shittier artwork? Which twiguy would be most offended by these drawings?



As ILW has said, "apparently the Taycob fans are more talented..."

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Rob vs. Lizzy

Ladies, if your boyfriend/fiance/hubby is tired of listening to you go on and on about how sexy Robert Pattinson, Rob's Closet might have found just the solution for you. If your obsession with RPattz is threatening your marriage, allow me to introduce your secret weapon: Lizzy Pattinson

That's right! None other than Robbie's older sister. Do you see the resemblance?


While you're busy drooling over the sexiest man alive, let your man's eyes wander to the female version of Rob. Maybe then he'll be able to understand the obsession. Look! Lizzy will even wear plaid, too!



Just so we're clear: Rob for the girls, Lizzy for the guys. It's a win/win.


Is that a bit of jawporn I see on the lady pat?

Hey Dakota...

I Know You Were Homecoming Princess And All...

But really...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

TWEET FAIL

Chaske, Say What?!



Not once, not twice, BUT THREE TIMES he demands we take action and shit the power to the people. What did the people ever do to you, Chaske?! I don't know that I can shit power, but dammit I'll try!

And yes, leaving out the 'f' changes EVERYTHING.

Shit!

EPIC FAN FAILS

JP has done it again and sent in more horrific fan-made drawings of our darling Robward. Though she proclaims frodoward and beavisandbuttheadward to be her favorites, these four might give those two a run for their money...


Here we have CiggyJustinChonWard and Zoolanderward (the magnum face)

Urm... I can only think of 'whatthefuckward' for these two..

We really shouldn't be getting so much amusement from these. Someone spent a lot of time and effort and blah blah blah.. ahh fuck it.

I don't know, which one do you find to be the most atrocious?

Thanks, JP!

'Cause I was bored....


And 'cause I promised Punchy a long time ago...

Laugh! Damn you! You know you want to!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Poll Time: Sex Scenes!

We've all seen one or two "Remember Me" TV spots where Rob kisses all over some chick named Emile (<--- who the fuck spells it like that anyway?) De Ravin (I swear I didn't know how it was pronounced until I heard it from her).


Soon after, sweaty gossip from sites that have the street cred of Facebook ads claimed that Rob was disturbed by his "Bel Ami" sex scenes with Uma Thurman. Ok, at least we know we're getting power-tripping angry romps in the hay. Yes!!!


Aaaaand everyone knows what comes up in Breaking Dawn, IF they'll ever confirm it. Even if they do confirm it, will we get Isle Esme action, or be forever cockblocked by those damn asterisks? The world watches with bated breath.


All this talk inspired me to ask you the following:

Which movie will have Rob's hottest sex scene?


You can pick from the films above or go for "Little Ashes" if you think the best has already come and gone. Think it'll be "Unbound Captives" or one in the future? Put it down, sista. Smart ass answers win my heart every time.

RC poll begins...RIGHT NOW!

Eclipse Costumes Revealed!

So I was hanging with my man Charlie B at ET3 when he let slip to me (and 500 other fans) that the Cullens will be wearing "crappy shell suits" for the big fight scene in Eclipse (as opposed to the Volturi's Armani).

WTF?! This could potentially be the biggest wardrobe fail since Jasper's wig!

I'm not sure if shell suits ever made it outside the UK (they probably wouldn't get through customs) - so for those of you unfamiliar with the Worst Fashion Ever, here is an exclusive RC artist's impression of what the Cullens may look like....

Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett and Edward get ready to kick some newborn ass.


Esme wears a shell suit in her trademark purple; Rosalie gets camera-shy; Alice shows even shell suits can be high fashion

9 Reasons to join Team JCB

On behalf of Rob's Closet, I'd like to apologise to Jamie Campbell Bower. Apart from saying you look like Blossom, we've criminally overlooked you... until now.
Maybe it was my fetish for nerdy glasses; maybe it's because you were surprisingly tall; maybe it was the fact you made me laugh so much a bit of wee came out - whatever it was, since meeting you at Eternal Twilight 3 this weekend, I fucking love you BUT NOTHING! So here's why everyone else should be jumping on the Team JCB bandwagon:

#1. He looks super-adorkable in glasses...

#2. He looks fucking cool when he smokes...


#3. He loves crap Twi-merchandise as much as we do....

#4. He takes the piss out of Charlie B: "That's the most pretentious sentence I've ever heard."


#5. He takes the piss out of himself...



#6. His zygote modelling pics are marginally better than Rob's...


#7. He's banging Ginny Weasley...

#8. He hangs out with the cool crowd...


#9. He tweets randomly awesome things like this...



JCB - We salute you!

Who's Bad?

Those crazy cats at MTV have got their hands on another Twi-exclusive - Edward Cullen's new album! Not content with being the world's most fuckhot teenage sparkly vampire, EC is now set for chart domination...
Meanwhile, over in Italy, Michaelangelo has risen from the dead to show the world that Taycob's body really is a work of art...

Monday, February 22, 2010

Amateurs...

I don't care who you are...

After an entire summer in 2009 of attention whores groping, magazines lying, body guards working overtime, fans stalking, cabs swerving, frizz-bitches choking, and buildings crumbling all for the sake of producing a Rob film OTHER than "Twilight", this isn't the thing you Tweet when referring to "Remember Me".


At all.

Monkey Monday - Invisible Monsters - *RIP Jenowa Special*

Some good advice from Jackson & the boys to our dear blogger RIMR, who is heartbroken after splitting from her boytoy Kiowa... I even chose Porn Star Jackson to perform it as a special treat!

*sings*
"I wouldn't recommend drinking when your love is gone...."

Say What?! Highlights from Eternal Twilight

We like saying naughty things here at Rob's Closet. But we like it even more when our favourite Twilight stars say naughty things. So without further ado, here are some of my favourite quotes from this weekend's Eternal Twilight event in Birmingham, UK... (Yes, they actually said all of these! Like, for real!)

Tinsel, we noticed how big they were... Hell, we even blogged about the size of them!


EDIT: RIMR just pointed out to me that 'gimp' means something not-so-funny in the US. Here's the European definition from urbandictionary.com:

A male BDSM rubber/leather slave. Specifically refers to slave in full body suit - e.g rubber/leather enclosure suits, and (this is the key thing) a full head mask.

'Ah, I see you've brought your gimp along. Doesn't he look sweet with that ball gag in his mouth? I hope he's well behaved.'

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