Sunday, January 31, 2010

Poll Time! What do THEY think?

Special thanks and a good spank on the ass goes to TwilightInMyEyes and Breesmom (A.K.A. RCPoll's#1Fan) for this idea! This week is going to be a bit different. The subject is YOUR significant other/family/co-workers. Yeah, those people you have to deal with when you're not online with your favorite bitches. ;)

Surely most of them know that you like "Twilight" by now. (Do they know that you stalk RC hourly looking for witty and hilarious Rob commentary that only we can bring you? What?! You don't stalk us hourly?! Get your asses on here more, dammit! Muahaha!) Oh, and please, tell me...

What do the people who know you best think of your Twi-obsession?

And it's a fucking obsession. Let's be honest. Give me short examples, quotes, quips, complaints, fights, etc. I know you guys have some funny stories, so have at it!

RC poll begins... right now!

The Final Countdown

TEN DAYS LEFT...
To commemorate the occasion, Rob's Closet have made this special video. Enjoy


Fan Fail

Ever feel like your missing that extra-special something from your Twilight memorabilia collection? Is the sparkly vibrator and Edward shower curtain just not creepy enough for you? Well, Rob's Closet has found just what you need.... the Edward Cullen Sock Puppet. Complete with golden button eyes, the bouffant and pea coat, who needs the real thing when you can get a sock puppet version for the "bargain" price of $25.00 at etsy.com? WHAT THE EFF?!

(It is kinda cute, though...)

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Rob's Closet Twi-guys in Drag Bitch Smackdown

It's handbags at dawn! Our Twi-guys seem to have a penchant for dressing up in women's clothing - Alice would have her work cut out with this lot. But who will win the Rob's Closet Twi-guys in Drag Bitch Smackdown?

Semi-final 1: Amanda Vs Kellana
Both ladies have slapped on the war paint for this face-off, but Amanda is psyched out by Kellana's bright orange blusher. Kellana looks to have the upper hand in this death-match when he starts throwing his butterfly clips at Amanda like ninja stars. But Amanda suddenly goes all 'My name is Amanda' on Kellana and knocks her out for the count.


Semi-final 2: Marianna Vs Alexa Meraz
The fight gets off to a tense start when Marianna discovers Alexa is a wolf girl, and starts attacking her with her Team Edward pencil case. But Alexa is not a woman to be messed with, and she soon takes Marianna down with a swing of her handbag.

Grand Final: Alexa Meraz Vs Amanda

Fresh from her victory against vamp lover Marianna, Alexa wastes no time setting her pet wolf cub onto her opponent. Quick-thinking Amanda manages to distract the yapping animal by throwing her wig out of the ring, which the pup chases after. Without her furry sidekick, Alexa starts to wither under Amanda's psycho stare. But when Amanda rips her favourite purple hat off her head and stomps on it, it's the final straw for Alexa, who jumps onto Amanda and kicks her with her chunky boots until she passes out.


And the winner of the Rob's Closet Twi-guys in Drag Bitch Smackdown is...

ALEXA MERAZ!!

Charlie Bewley: I fucking love him but.... not as Fabio

Holy shit, Charlie Bewley, is that you?? This look is way too feminine and you actually DO look like a 12 yr old here!




This is not the first time the Italian fashion model has made an apearance on RC, and it's just as awful as the first. Men should never have longer hair or more cleavage than women. Ever.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Fuck Me Friday




___________________________ (flatline)

Is it just me...

.... or does Stephenie Meyer have no business reading other books until she finishes Midnight Sun, let alone wish another author would write another book.

I was on Steph's official website and I saw her latest message included this book recommendation:

"A new book recommendation: I recently read and adored The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. It was one of those books that feel absolutely perfect and satisfying, and when you finish it you sit around wishing that you could find another book just like it."

Hmmm. Yeah, I'm right there with you. I think I've read a book like that, where the author wrote a great series, and then she started writing a fifth book but has now 'postponed it indefinitely'. It really is an awful feeling, isn't it?

Thursday, January 28, 2010

BREAKING NEWS FROM ECLIPSE!!!

And the HUGE news is................

........ that there is no fucking news. And what the HELL is up with that?? Why is the rest of the Twilight Saga all of a sudden Summit's best kept secret? We understand that David Slade is hard at work with post production, but come ON. By this time last year, we had a leaked script, a trailer, and tons of behind the scenes footage.

I'm going through some serious withdraws now. I love being addicted to Twilight, and I hate having nothing to feed that addiction. I'm creeping up on step 3 if something isn't released soon..



What to do in the mean time?

First: Go and watch New Moon again. And again. And then watch Twilight (feel free to laugh at the distinct difference).
Second: Stare at this Eclipse still for hours on end and scrutinize every detail.
Third
: E-mail awesome things you find to Rob's Closet after the aforementioned research.
Fourth: Complain til we get Eclipse and/or Breaking Dawn News.
Fifth
: Swear a lot.

Doctor's orders.

Charlie Bewley: I fucking love him but...

... this is too much cleavage. Even for you.



Ummm, what the fuck is Cameron Bright doing....?!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

And the Award for Best Creep Face Goes To...

RED CARPET ROB!

"Dawwwww, you girls at RC know me too well!"


PS--The "Shittiest Faces In a Suit" post is this post's mama.

Caption This

....double you--tee--eff?! We've seen some pretty hilarious Twilight stills, but this one just might take the cake for me.

(insert your hilarious caption here)

I'm not feeling quite witty enough to come up with my own caption--- so I'll let the pimp bitchin' readers come up with one. No prize, just the honor of being part of the brilliant minds on RC. Make sure to click 'like' on your favorite caption!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Charlie Bewley's Age-Old Poll Results

Another successful poll! You guys make me feel like every day's my birthday!

So *maybe* googling this question really wasn't the route to take. Apparently Wiki'ing that shit gives you some sort of answer. Still-- always best to go with the bitches who know it all. So, what did YOU have to say about the man who has no birth on record? *Drum roll please...*

He's 29!

"Dammit! They found me out! You girls are no morons..."

Fuck no we're not morons!
Now, for the beloved breakdown...

"29" won out, but only by ONE vote! Second place went to the "30+" category, although FL95's "30 year old woman" response was pretty juicy in and of itself! Congrats to ErynJE for the ultra-creative "17. Oh wait, I mean 108!" Does he really look that old? I'd say not a day over 580. ;) ILW's "15 with a testosterone problem" and Bean's "12" also got their own spot on the chart. Niiice.

We've figured out the age he's hiding. Next step: figure out why.

Check back soon for another RC poll: We make you feel like a kid again!

FAN FAIL!

Please don't choke the Rob.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Edward's Failbook


A Poll For All Ages!

Happy Birthday, Charlie Bewley (@alchemission)!

Aw, such a baby face. I can't believe you're only...wait. How old are you anyway?


What?! You're 14?! Bull! Hasn't someone around here asked him how old is?!


Good girl! You asked him! So what did he tell you?


Oh, come on! Aaliyah told me age ain't nothing but a number, but you're being a little redonkulous here. After asking the man face-to-face and thorough Google research (and we know that shit doesn't lie), no one can find out Charlie's age. He's being really fucking secretive, and we don't know why. So, ladies and gentlemen, step right up and please, tell me...

How old is Charlie Bewley?

I need specific numbers and smart-ass answers here, so do your thing!

RC poll begins...RIGHT NOW!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Baby Mikey

Check out this adorable video of ickle Michael Welch in his 4th grade talent show. You can see the guy was destined to do the bush dance in Twilight...

Is it just me...

... or has Rob's Black Beanie been MIA? As a twihard, we've been paying extremely close attention to the stars' apparel, and I've noticed that Mr. Beanie has been out of the picture for quite some time.


BRING BACK THE BEANIE, LOSE THE BEARD.







Mmmm. The last two are my absolute fave.

Friday, January 22, 2010

KELLAN: I fucking love him but.... Not in drag


Wrong. Just wrong.
Kellan, the Village People look was just about acceptable. And yes, Jackson does look pretty good in a dress. But that orange blusher is does nothing for you and baby butterfly crips are sooooo 1999.

High On Poll Results

First, open this song in a new window or tab and continue. I'm so excited to bring you these results, I decided to set the mood with a background song! So, what did you have to say about Kristen Stewart's front stoop activities? *Drum roll please*

She's a Pot Head! It was totally Mary J!


I knew a lot of us were going to swing that way, but this is the first time that all 17 votes submitted for this question were the same! No need to make a pie or muffin chart for that. Unless, of course, this post gives you the munchies.

BUT, here's where it got interesting: Is Kstew on harder drugs?


It appears that we still have confidence that Kstew hasn't gone looking for Ecstasy or Acid yet. Still, a few are pretty damn sure she's taken a hit off the VapoJizz-Bong. I guess that word "harder" gave you guys the freedom to say she's on Rob's dick. Ok people, let's not start talking crazy talk here...

Congrats to Breesmom, willow45, and Bean--whose answers earned their own categories this week! Bean's "High on Rob's love fumes" definitely got a few likes from readers. Those fumes smell like Pepperoni Hot Pockets and/or sparkles. Always smart replies--that's why you all fucking rock!

Check back soon for another RC Poll: Your Anti-Drug!

The Red Scarf Diaries

6 January 2010: Dear Diary, I'm so excited to be joining 100 Monkeys on their 100-date tour. Jackson has kindly promised to take me everywhere with him. I feel so honoured to be wrapped around the neck of the most fuckhot member of the band...

11 January 2010: Dear Diary, I'm feeling a little glum today. Although I still have pride of place tied around Jackson's gorgeous neck, I felt slightly over-shadowed by Hat and Glasses. I don't want to sound like a diva or anything, but Jackson promised me this would be my time to shine....

13 January 2010: Dear Diary, I've finally managed to solve the problem of Hat and Glasses stealing my limelight. I told them to wait for Jackson outside last night's gig. I almost felt sorry for the unsuspecting accessories when two screaming fangirls - recognising Jackson's headwear -kidnapped them for DNA testing. My plan worked - I've now been promoted to Jackson's head...

15 January 2010: Dear Diary, Jackson discovered my evil ploy to get rid of Hat and Glasses and has demoted me back to his neck. I supposed I can't really complain - I does feel pretty nice to me so close to his chest...


19 January 2010: Dear Diary, Happy days! I'm back up top where I belong! It feels great that Jackson has finally realised my star potential. At this rate, I am almost a fully-fledged member or the band in my own right. On the down side, I am starting to smell a bit...

Thanks to the amazing JR Online for the pics!

Beardward Part II

"So easy, a CaveRob can do it.."



Thanks, HugAVampire_PunchAWerewolf, for letting us use your hilarious manip and slogan!

ROB: I fucking love him but... not when he looks like Grizzly Adams


SAY NO TO BEARDWARD
Sign our petition in the comments section below... The fuzz has got to go!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Cullens vs. Saved By the Bell Gang

If you didn't grow up in the early 90s with "Saved By the Bell", allow me to introduce you to the group from Bayside High! Wait...there's a strange resemblance here...

Edward Cullen vs. Zach Morris
The unattainable gorgeous boy that has a way of making even the teachers look like fools. These boys have cash money, and are always up on the latest electronics (cell phones anyone?). Oh, and they're damn sure to make a good score on the SAT. Edward doesn't lead a badass band like Zack Attack, but he could rock out a mean piece of Chopin on the ivory! Besides, Edward gives a whole other meaning to "Friends Forever". They love their fast cars and go to prom. How's a girl to choose?!

Bella Swan vs. Kelly Kapowski
The female counterpart of gorgeous. Both are amicable brunettes who have been spotted around school with a volleyball. They both have brains and beauty, though not enough to seem threatening. Yes, everyone immediately finds themselves attracted to that "girl next door" type. And the boys love her. The difference? Kelly smiles more, blinks less, comes from a large family, and sometimes goes for the jocks. Speaking of...

Emmett Cullen vs. AC Slater
There's something about those muscles! Both of these hunks serve as the man meat in any gang. Do they mind the role? Hell no! They're more than willing to either flex for you or throw you into a headlock, either one. Book smarts aren't really their thing, obviously. Though they have crazy physical strength, these two are often pussy-whipped by their strong, independent girlfriends. You know...

Rosalie Hale vs. Jessie Spano
Talk about girl power! These two can literally carry/throw their men on their backs. (Jessie was a bitch for expecting Slater to go to the ballet. He had fucking Raiders tickets!) Forget everything you thought you knew about the roles of women, or these chicks will stare and glare it out of you. I don't know how Rosalie feels about caffeine pills, but something tells me she'd never be quite as "excited" or "scared" as Jessie.

Jasper Hale vs. Screech Powers
For starters, both have Powers! HAHA! (Yeah, no? OK...) They would run to the ends of the earth for their sassy ladies, except Screech would run out of steam before reaching the Max. Both are gentlemen, loyal, and often made the punch line because of their nature. Jasper can't help it if he wants to suck blood. Screech can't help it if he has one neon colored pant for each day of the week! (Or that his mood control is usually one of frustration)

Alice Cullen vs. Lisa Turtle
Need a makeover straight outta 1991? Look no further than Lisa-- who once came on the first day of school with nothing to write with but eyeliner. Alice and Lisa are the "got all my daddy's money" go-to girls for fashion and beauty, and are always quick to tell you what they just heard/saw. A little hyper and crazy? You betcha! Alice is a bit more giving and patient. Oh, and Lisa hates Screech.

Forks, meet Bayside. You may have more in common than you think. ;)

Ashley vs. Ariel

I was ogling some pictures of my #1 girl crush when I realized something from her latest Sobe-sponsored photoshoot; she fucking looks like the Little Mermaid in that skinsuit!! Yes, it's definitely time to compare a Twi-character to a Disney Character again.


1. The 'Frontal Beach Pose'-- who looks hotter? Does Ariel's O-face put her ahead of Ashley's girl-next-door-look?


2. The 'cover-your-boobies-but-still-be-cute-and-sexy-pose'. Who is hotter in this less is more pic?


3. Now the battle of who is more flexible whilst on the beach. The sand is tricky when you're trying to contort your body all sexy-like.


4. And finally, who looks sexier with the 'poke your top half out of the water' pose? Hahah, 'poke'.


I think if someone painted a skinsuit on me, I would look like a beached whale. Who do you think is the better marine model?
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