Thursday, September 30, 2010


This weeks caption contest has the grand prize of smugly knowing you are very very clever indeed....

So get thinking... What would be the perfect caption for this picture of our Robert looking like a little monkey on the set of Water for Elephants?

Crapsten vs. Crapshley

Alright, all you Twilight Teamster's: Whether you are for a couple or pretending they don't exist, we can't deny that pictures have surfaced indicating something beyond a professional relationship.

While some twi-couples are much more obvious than others, the similarities between Crapshley and Crapsten are starting to make my head spin.

Are Joe and Ash trying to copy Rob and Kris? You tell me in:

Crapsten vs. Crapshley

Round 1: Battle of the Bands- Rob/Kris were papp'd at a KOL concert, while Joe and Ash were cell phone papp'd at a Vampire Weekend concert

Round 2: Match Your Man- Both couples are wearing the same-ish plaid top as their significant other. You don't fool us with the two different colors, guys...

Round 3: The Pixelated Kiss Pic- One pic will make your eyes cross from squinting too hard while the other makes you think you've got your beer goggles on.

Round 4: Get Off My Dick vs. SAYiWON'T- These two male counterparts both wear shirts with clever sayings.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Happy Hump Day!

Mmmm.... Taste the rainbow.

Is it just me...

... or would it have been absolute poetic justice if Emilie de Raven got cast as Irina?

I mean, you know how much we fucking love her, let's see her die at the end of the movie for once, eh?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Things we never want to see #27

First JCB gets his kit off on a boat, now Justin Chon is tweeting photos of himself with his pants down.... What is the Twi-world coming to? All together now:


What's next? Michael Welch posing for Playgirl? If that happens I'm fucking quitting.

Thanks Jenni!

To the Bree Tanner and Riley of Breaking Dawn

Congratulations, Maggie Grace, for being cast as Irina in Breaking Dawn.

I'm sure your 3 pages in the book will translate to about 3 hours of movie time. Can't wait to see your side of the story blown completely out of proportion, but most importantly, I can't wait to see Caius whoop that ass at the end!

Oh, Irina, I have to ask. Was Laurent even worth it??

Rob Pattinson vs Ed Westwick

I was stalking harmlessly searching for Robert Pattinson news articles, and I came across a German article that claimed he had a twin.

The article claimed that this chap, Ed Westwick, 'often gets mistaken as the Breaking Dawn star, RPattz.'


First of all, how dare they.

Second of all, hell-to-the-fucking-NO they don't look alike!

After a quick Google search and I found that many, many other sites have compared the two. I'm seriously offended.


Sure, they look alike, in that they both have two eyes, one nose, a mouth, etc..

How can you compare anyone to the greatness that is Rob? Whoever said this must be blinder than a crapsten fan...

Monday, September 27, 2010

Monkey Monday: Batman

100 Monkeys were clearly inspired to make up this improv song by our last Screw Me Saturday...

(Nice thrusting crotch shot at 2:00 BTW.)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

JCB: I fucking love him but....

...he is the last Twi-guy we wanna see naked.

Where are the pics of our fave men in this compromising position? Jamie, will you do us a favour and take them out on your yacht with you next time? Make sure you tell them about the no-clothes rule. Cheers, mate.

Thanks Midnight Cougar via Twifans!

Oi Condon!!

It's no secret that Breaking Dawn is my least favourite book in the Twi-saga. It's not that I don't like it - it's just there are so many things about it that irritate the shit out of me. The fade-to-black sex scene, the imprinting-on-the-devil-child, the anti-climax 'battle' scene... and don't even get me started on the fact that NO ONE DIES. I mean, I don't want any of our beloved main characters to bite the dust, but honestly I don't give a toss if one of those random vamps whose names I can't even remember gets killed off.

So in all honesty, this is probably the first time in my life that I actually want Hollywood to deviate from the source material. And Rob's Closet would like to help by giving Bill Condon some tips to prevent him from knocking Cougar Cathy off her Least Favourite Twi-Director throne.

Top Tip #1: A happy ending for Leah

Sorry Steph, but I don't buy all that bullshit that Leah gets her happily ever after because she gets to be Jacob's right hand woman in the pack. WTF? She's a hot, red-blooded female and you can't tell me she isn't horny as hell on a daily basis being surrounded by all those sexy wolves. So here's what we're gonna do: get Alcide Herveaux from True Blood to take a trip to La Push - those two will be doing it doggy-style in no time.

Shag Me Sunday: Rathboner Edition

Weird thumbporn alert.

Saturday, September 25, 2010


While I will always love Etch-A-Sketches and weird oil paintings, these artists have no business using these outlets to express their twilight art..

Thanks, Sue!

Do you want to tell him or should I?

We hate to break this to you, Jackson... but that's not actually a real woman...

However, if it's a real woman you're after, I know a few who would be happy to help you out there. (I'm first in line, bitches!)

BTW, on a side note to my DC girls - now you know why I spent a small fortune in Victoria's Secrets in Boston. ;)

The Pattzbone obsession continues...

Can I please get some reassurance that I'm not the only one who finds Pattzbone pant-wettingly sexy? I always thought the Jackshley kiss was the hottest smooch ever, but this blows that out of the water!

Thanks to Twinutter! [source]

Is it just me..

... or is it Edward Cullen e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e?

Is the booth owner a Twihard, too? Has Robert Pattinson stopped by and asked for his name on a grain of rice? Can I purchase the picture instead of my name on rice? What is Edward doing here??

The world may never know.

Thanks, Alyssa!!

If Twilight Were A Musical... would consist of something like this:


Be sure to check out parts 2-4 right here.

Thanks, TRCS!

The Cullen brothers: I fucking love them but...

...I'm totes cheating on them with the Salvatore brothers at the moment.

That's right - both of them. At the same time. Every Thursday night.

I have to admit, it's leaving me a little worse for wear on #FuckMeFridays though...

Screw Me Saturday

I don't even care if either of these are repeats, because anytime I see how close Rob's hands are to his sparkly prick, I go insane.

Thanks, TeamRobsCoffeeStirrer! via RPlife

Friday, September 24, 2010

Fuck Me Friday: PattzBone Special

Roblor might be a sweet pairing, but personally I'm all about PattzBone - a much hotter and dirtier combination. Not convinced? Check out this video inspired by intrigingly named Edward/Jasper spankfic, Raw and Rosy. In the wise words of Paris Hilton, 'That's hot.' I wonder if they would let me join them... *dusts off paddle*

Thanks to my favourite FanFic Junkie/porn dealer, Kim. Love you!

Thursday, September 23, 2010


We thought we'd seen it all when it came to phallic crafts, but never ceases to amaze us.

Allow me to introduce JINGLE BALLS: Edward's Sparkly bits!

You read correctly. Description reads as follows:

These adorable little pricks are made of a durable (super-hard) resin, hand-painted and lovingly finished with a sparkle coat of glitter paint. Jingle Balls are a great gift for birthdays! bachelorette parties! either as a novelty, a festive decoration or just an awesome addition to your cell phone. Or what about a unique key Fob? You’ll never lose your keys or cell phone again!


Oh my gosh, it's just what I've always wanted!

Thanks, Mell61. You naughty girl, you.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Xavier: When I said I wanted to ride you...

...this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

Ugh. CrapSheX are fast becoming my least favourite couple. Enough with the PDAs already!

At least with Crapsten we had all the fun of the guessing game - are they or aren't they? (Although, it was always obvious they were MADLY-IN-LOVE-AND-IF-YOU-COULDN'T-SEE-IT-YOU-MUST-HAVE-BEEN-FUCKING-BLIND!!!)

I don't know what annoys me more about the shoulder-ride pic - the fact that Xav is carrying her shopping as well as her; or the fact that she looks like she's about to give him a tip.

Well, here's a tip for you, Xavier - stop flaunting your love for your extremely hot g/f in public. We don't want another McWhore on our hands...

Twangies for the Twisbians.

I'd do her.

Yipee! Lets get learning.

Get your schoolbags ready!

Click here.

Oh yeah baby.... that boy could teach me anything he wants to!

Oooo Sir...

It gets worse...

Yes. You are seeing what you think you are seeing.  Not content with the crystal heart and carved wolf hanging from your replica of Bellas bracelet? Think it needs a little something something...?

Etsy has just the thing. A sparkly Edward Dick.

This really is a head turner, wearing it to work or school is sure to get you noticed! Compliments that Edward tattoo perfectly!

Wonderful... And there is one for everybody in the audience! Not really.... If you do want one... Click here you mental bitch.

Callie - Thanks for the nightmares!

No, Chon, NO!

In lieu of our newest tagline, RC has partnered with Arby's and Quiznos to offer you all one free gaysian with ever combo meal**.

**Offer lasts as long as Chon's hair remains bleached

[Thanks, Bean! Source: Attic2zoo]

Monday, September 20, 2010

More Monkey Monday

Troix magazine, we fucking love you but... nothing! Not only did you cause numerous vajajay implosions with your Jackson Rathbone photo shoot and videos, but now you're doing a 100 Monkeys feature for your next issue. It's too much. We may have to sue you for irreparable damage to our shamantie collection.

Team Crap....

For those of you who think we're biased and only don't give a crapsten about Rob and Kris, we are an equal opportunity 'we-don't-give-a-crap/what's-the-big-deal' shipper of all relationships.

Some names are just harder to combine with the prefix. For example:

Kellan Lutz and Annalynne McCord: Crapllyn

Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas: Crapshley

(Not to be confused with Jackshley)

Xavier Samuel and Shermine Shahriva: Crapviermine.. erm.. CrapShervier??

Oh, for fuck's sake, I don't know...

This is too hard. Whatever-the-fucksten, I tried!

Monkey Monday

100 Monkeys are releasing a DVD of their recent tour - check out the trailer. So full of win.

Teaser - 100 Monkeys: Live and Kickin' (Part Too) from Rafael HernĂ¡n Gamboa on Vimeo.

Thanks Little4V!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Nikki: I fucking love her but..

Hands off, toots.

[Thanks, ohmy_feathers! via]

Shag Me Sunday

For the Wolfgirls...


People don't give a Crapsten

People magazine have revealed their 10 Best Dressed Couples of 2010 - and there's one glaring omission from the list. I don't care if you are pro-Crapsten or clinging on for dear life to Team Denial, you have to admit Pattz & Stewy belong on that list. Yes, they have a habit of recycling their own or each other's clothes by wearing outfits more than once (most likely without washing them), but they sure scrub up pretty well.

So here's RC's tribute to our Best Dressed real/bullshit* couple.... CRAPSTEN!

*delete as appropriate

They even have his 'n' hers leather jackets, for gawd's sake!
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