Friday, December 31, 2010

RC Review of the Year: December 2010

So now we've reached December, which should be pretty fresh in your mind. Highlights included the Water For Elephants trailer, our Kinkiest Twiguy poll and a visit from Jewward.

But one post really stole the show for the whole year.... click here to see it again. You know you want to!

2010 - what a year, eh?! Here's to another fuckawesome 12 months full of knicker explosions and fan fails. Thanks for reading and...

Happy Fucking New Year!!

RC Review of the Year: November 2010

Christmas came early this year - in November to be precise - as Clausward treated us to lots of lovely set pics from Breaking Dawn. But while we were happily enjoying pics of Crapsten's buttcracks and Kristen's hoo-ha, those nasty peeps at Scumshit tried to spoil our fun and threatened us with legal action. Bah humbug!

The treats continued with Kellan splitting from McWhore, and the new Rob incarnations of HoRobtio Caine and Jumping Rob. The latter was nearly lost to us when he leapt into the cleavage of Big Bazoongas Fan, but luckily we managed to save him just in time.

But the biggest news of the month came as no surprise to Ashley fans... Joe Jonas "lost" his promise ring. You go girl!

RC Review of the Year: October 2010

There was lots of "exciting" casting news in October for Breaking Dawn. We got to see Jacob's "love interest" for the first time, and all the random vamps that no-one gives a rat's arse about were revealed (although that one with the beard is quite cute).

Rob's Closet celebrated its first ever birthday with the party to end all parties and a heartfelt speech from AAE. We're still finding drunken revellers wandering around RC Towers looking for the bathroom.

The festivities continued into Halloween, where we dressed up as our favourite Twi characters and carved our pumpkins to look like Rob. But the scariest thing of all was seeing Justin Chon's "big" dick. No Chon, no!

Things we learnt this month: Jerad Anderson is still fuckhot, and Catherine Hardwicke is still a cunt.

JACKSON: I fucking love him but....

...I think it's time he bought some new hats.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

RC Review of the Year: September 2010

In September we saw some of the most bizarre Fan Fails ever - re-usable unicorn sanitary pads, anyone? Thought not. How about a Jacob Black embryo? No. Wait, I know just what you need - a felt Bella's womb! The ultimate Twi-tard accessory.

Nine months in, we were still waiting for Rob to keep his New Year's Resolution of getting naked a lot. Alas, all we got was JCB stripping off on a yacht and more pictures of Kellan in his Calvins (yawn).

Team Crap added a new couple to its ranks when Xavier's girlfriend appeared on the scene (skank) - suddenly, he was no longer our new favourite boy toy and CrapSheX was born. In case that wasn't enough to make you vom in your cornflakes, Ashley continued her bizarre friendship with The Virus.

Thankfully, we had two much more appealling partnerships to keep us happy - the sexy Salvatore brothers and Team Pattzbone. Especially Team Pattzbone. *wipes drool* On second thoughts, those re-usable unicorn sanitary pads might come in useful...

RC Review of the Year: August 2010

Let's be honest - August was pretty fucking depressing. It started off with the scariest Friday 13th ever and just went downhill from there. Crapshley was formed; TayTay had a legal wrangle over his ridiculously expensive trailer; and those kiss photos surfaced confirmed our worst fears: Crapsten does exist! We still tried our best to stay in Team Denial by shamelessly pimping Roblor (pictured)... but we couldn't deny it any longer.

Things weren't any better here at RC Towers... We had complaints about our language; we had the D-D-D-D-Dora song stuck in our heads 24/7 and to top off this big pile of shit, MB dramatically quit (for real, this time). *sobs* We still miss you, bitch!

So thank goodness we were sent this picture (*points left*) to cheer us all up. Yup. It's still fucking funny.

Meanwhile, we had fun re-casting Twilight in the '80s and '90s; you voted on what Rob said during the 'moment of truth' (he's a groaner!); and we got our first glimpse of a new Breaking Dawn poster...

RC Review of the Year: July 2010

One word: BosCon. The taxi cab crash! Kellan's water bottle! The tongueporn! The drinking game! Hillywood Jasper eye-fucking Kellan's butt! It was one helluva weekend. But the best thing about BosCon was the Team RC reunion (pictured) - minus AAE, who was too busy in her search for The Robsicle (she found it).

While we were partying in Boston, Ashley was getting into trouble for partying too hard with Smiley Virus - we mistakenly encouraged her, blissfully unaware it would eventually lead to her showmance with a Jonas Brother.

June was a good month for nudity - Daddy C had a butt-off with Alex Skarsgard, while our new fave Twi-guy Xavier (still no sign of the girlfriend) went full frontal. Great to see PFach waving the flag for all the DILFs out there - but in June a new type of Daddy was born: the DINF. *shudders*

Elsewhere, we were still on an Eclipse high - RIMR gave us an insight into what Non Twi-tards thought of the movie, while AAE caused choas in her local cinema when she opened a can of whoopass on a bunch of Twi-tweens. The poor mites didn't stand a chance.

RC Review of the Year: June 2010

You may think the highlight of June was Eclipse hitting movie theatres. True, it did cause a flurry of excitement - particularly for Kellan, who was so excited he couldn't resist touching himself at the premiere (maybe he had the hots for Rob Burgundy...) But the main event this summer was our very own Brett Tanner release party. Talk about wild... Unfortunately, Google couldn't tell us who the hell Brett Tanner actually was, but we sure had one bitch of a hangover the next day!

But despite all the festivities, there was some sad news too. We said goodbye to our faithful friend, the Black Mullet. No, don't cry now. The Mullet is up there in heaven, watching over us with her buddy, the T-Shirt Knot. Probably listening to 'Cherry Bomb'.

Luckily, there was romance in the air to take our mind off all the sadness - Roblor and G-Bone showed the early signs of lurve, while Nikki Reed found herself a new toyboy. Crapsten tried to fool us on the Kiss Cam at the MTV Awards, but we could see through their bullshit.

In lighter news, both Jackson and Stewy joined Hanson. Mmmmmmmmm-bop!

KIOWA: I fucking love him but....

...he looks a bit like a girl on the new cover of Troix magazine.

RC Review of the Year: May 2010

May was a special month - not only did we get the Eclipse soundtrack (albeit with one glaring omission), and a hot new Twi-guy in the form of Xavier Samuel (before we knew about his crap girlfriend), but it was Rob's birthday! Of course, we celebrated in our own special way, with an insane party and a look back over the birthday boy's life. Sadly, we didn't get to see Rob in his birthday suit. Well, there's always next year!

It was also a good month for 'Boner Babes - we got our first glimpse of Major Whitlock in uniform, enjoyed the gun show at Bamboozle, watched Jasper take on the Spice Girls, and discovered Jackson has a younger twin brother for us to drool over when he gets too old and wrinkly. Unfortunately, we were also subjected to those Mad Hatter pictures, but we won't mention those...

Meanwhile, we learnt how to draw our own Fan Fail , we supported World Non Smoking Day, and we discovered real Twi-porn ("When you can fuck forever.... you can fuck everybody.") Such fun!

Until Stephenie Meyer went and pissed on our bonfire by NOT selecting Rob's Closet for her blog Q&A session. Bitch.

RC Review of the Year: April 2010

Our memories of April are a little hazy, as we spent most of the month playing the New Moon drinking game and celebrating Cannabis Consumption Day with KStew.

But that didn't stop us having lots of fun with some of our more gullible readers on April Fools Day - we never did get those commenters back that really believed we supported Smiley Virus and the Beaver...

The Eclipse excitement continued, with evidence that Edward's mother was a pimp ho and the release of the final trailer. In further movie news, Bill Condon was rumoured to be directing Breaking Dawn, leading to speculation that the final instalment of the saga would be an all-singing, all-dancing sparklefest.

The Crapsten rumour mill also went into overdrive when the alleged lovebirds were seen out wearing matching shoes and Rob was caught groping Stewy in public. Here at RC we remained steadfastly Team Denial, by proclaiming our love for Oregano.

Elsewhere, we learned a few truths: Jerad Anderson is fuckhot; The Cullens are realy 'N Sync and/or the cast of Glee; Bella Swan is a necrophiliac (if Google says it, it must be true); and Catherine Hardwicke is still a cunt.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Happy Hump Day!

A little armpit-porn to see you through to the New Year! And what's he doing with his other hand...?

RC Review of the Year: March 2010

March was an extremely momentous month in Twiland with lost of shiny new toys to play with. The Eclipse teaser trailer left us in need of extra-absorbent shamanties, despite new wigs, new Khorts and a new Victoria. We got our first glimpse of Bel Ami Rob - who gave Mr Darcy a run for his money. And our New Moon DVDs brought us an exciting NEW character in the form of Bob. You know, Bob. From Bob's Bikes. He's my fave Twiguy after Jackson. For realz.

One 'new toy' we weren't impressed with was the creepy RPattz waxwork, which was unveiled at Madame Tussauds. Instead of fulfiling our 'living Rob doll' fantasies, it just scared the shit out of us. So here at RC Towers, we made our own Rob waxwork (pictured), which was much more realistic.

Meanwhile, Ashley forgot to wear a bra (what's new?), we uncovered Taylor's secret true identity, and there was a global crisis when unicorn cookies became "currently unavailable."

Luckily, we lightened the mood with the 1st Annual Rob's ClOscars - AKA the Golden Hangers, which saw Kellan's bulge (christened in March as Kelmet's Helmet) win Best Breakthrough Performance, Jackshely win Best Couple (take that, Crapsten!) and Rob's beanie win the Lifetime Achievement Award. It was also an opportunity to pay tribute to those we have said a fond farewell to over the previous year.

RC Review of the Year: February 2010

February was a short month (as it usually is), but it was full of highs and lows.

There was heartbreak and tears when RIMR fell out of love with Kiowa, and things got even worse when Beardward died and Rob's bouffant disappeared and then he told us he was allergic to vajajays (*sob*). We were inconsolable when AAE dramatically quit Rob's Closet - but we all had a good laugh about it when she withdrew her resignation letter literally seconds later.

But it wasn't all doom and gloom - wolf girls around the world celebrated with dragon cookies when TayTay finally became legal. Meanwhile, we all had our own Edward or Jacob to snuggle up with at night thanks to Etsy Manllows (I'm still waiting on a Jackson one, personally...) and Valentine's Day was super-hot thank to leaked Eclipse stills of Edward & Bella getting jiggy (almost).

Elsewhere, Kellan starred in that Calvin Klein ad, causing knicker explosions and confusion everywhere, as we tried to find out what he had stuffed in his pants (for the answer, click here!). But that wasn't the only Kellan-crotch mystery we solved... we did indeed prove, beyond reasonable doubt, that Kellan is CUT.

RC Review of the Year: January 2010

January 2010 kicked off with our New Year's Robulations - none of which Rob managed to stick to (getting nekkid a lot - nope; cursing a lot - nope; drink and be horny in public - nope; slap a pap - nope). Poor effort, Rob - we hope to see you do better in 2011.

At this stage of the year Team RC were still living blissfully in Team Denial (Don't Give A Crapsten), despite Pattz and Stewy's chav-tastic date to a local supermarket to stock up on cider and condoms (probably).

We all reverted to our childhood when we discovered the awesome dress-me-up Stardolls and spent hours trying to figure out how to remove the underwear... (Our New Year's Resolution for 2011 is to find a Rob doll with removable undies).

January also saw us ponder the vastness of Elizabeth Reaser's fivehead and you answered the question that everyone was asking: Is Nikki Reed a bitch?

Elsewhere, The Rathboner had a drag-off with the queens from Priscilla and we all enjoyed the snow and cold weather because it reminded us of Twilight.

But the high point of the month was when we uncovered the child predator stalking Forks High School. Rob's Closet: Keeping your kids safe.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Monkey Monday: Invisible Monsters

After all the Xmas festivities, I'm not entirely sure what day of the week it is... but I *think* it's Monday! So we have a special treat for Uncle Larry fans - Uncle singing!! Loving the unicorn on Jackson's keyboard as well...

via EVHammond

Friday, December 24, 2010

Just kidding!

Sorry, we couldn't resist it! Now click on door 24 for your real Xmas pressie...

Countdown to Chrimbo - Day 24

Happy Christmas Eve!

What?! *innocent look* Well, I could hardly top your early Xmas present from AAE, could I?

All I Want For Xmas... Is Rob

Thanks KL via ddreamcatcher12

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Twilight Before Xmas

Countdown to Chrimbo - Day 23

The penultimate day of our very special advent calendar! Click on door 23...

Junk and Balls: A Christmas Song

Junk and Balls by Oh Edward
(To the tune of Jingle Bells)
Trolling through some manips
In the usual Twi-guy seek
O'er to RC we go
Hoping for a peek
Balls on Jackson dangle
Bean's all ready to wrangle
RIMR is on the beat
And AAE's in heat
Oh, Junk and Balls
Junk and Balls
Robert all the way
Oh, what fun it is
To stroke and blow and lay
Junk and Balls
Junk and Balls
Kellan's mighty buff
Annalynne is just a whore
And we can't get enough
Many fans love Kristen
You know what you are called
Tight ass, long legs and flawless skin
She's always getting balled
Junk and Balls
Junk and Balls
I think we need a doc
Peter's got the right injection
I think it's called a cock
Taylor's dick is tan
Bitches love those abs
Now he's all grown up
He can fuck you like a man
Junk and Balls
Junk and Balls
The wolf pack is hot
Chaske, Alex and Bronson too
Want you to swallow a lot
I'm sure that there is more
That you can add to this song
Lots of inappropriate things
That really don't seem wrong
Junk and Balls
Junk and Balls
Your children won't sing it
Luckily for you
RC will always bring it!
Oh Edward, I bow down to your genius! Sing along everyone and Merry Fucking Xmas!

Pic via Robsessed

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Carolling in the Closet

Last year, you may remember we re-wrote some classic Christmas songs in our inimitable RC style - including The Twelve Days of Christmas, Charlie the Bright-Nosed Cop Chief and (my personal favourite) the Twi-Aid Song (Feed the Cullens). Well, some brave souls have gone even further and recorded their own efforts on video! So in the spirit of festive goodwill, we won't even file these under 'fan fail'...

And this last one is just pure filth... The perfect RC Xmas song!

Some actual news

On Rachael Ray this week Christina Ricci, of Adams family fame, said Robert Pattinson "is a good kisser."  I would give my left tit to find that out for myself.
She also called him silly and fun... Thats all.   

Countdown to Chrimbo - Day 22

You should really have figured out what to do by now...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"What do you mean I didn't get Bean as a birthday present?"

Fashion Fail

Like father, like son... Don't you just hate it when your dad turns up wearing the same hat as you?

Countdown to Chrimbo - Day 21

Just a few more days left... *wipes tear* I almost don't want Christmas to come this year.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Countdown to Chrimbo - Day 20

So door number 20 falls on a Monday. I wonder who could possibly be behind today's door...

Monkey Monday

We're sure many of you would like to toss the 100 Monkeys lads... but not today! The boys need help to prevent their new single, Wandering Mind, from being tossed by Baton Rouge Radio Station 104.9. Wanna help? See below...

"Baton Rouge Radio Station 104.9 will be playing our single Wandering Mind as their Pick of the Day on Monday. Here’s how it works…..THEY play the song and YOU call to say KEEP it (or TOSS it). If enough callers say KEEP it, the song goes into regular rotation. Please call in Monday at 6pm (CENTRAL time) and say KEEP it!
You can listen online ( - click On-Air Now under the logo) then call: 225-499-1049"

Video via jaimemosher

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Countdown to Chrimbo - Day 19

Door number 19 is asking you very kindly to click it.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Countdown to Chrimbo - Day 18

Someone's dripping wet behind door number 18. Who could it be? Click to find out!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Rob Vs Ryan Reynolds

So Ryan Reynolds is back on the market and what better way to celebrate than with a Rob Vs Ryan face-off? Besides, Rob deserves a chance to prove himself after Ryan was unjustly awarded People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive award.

Round 1: White T-Shirt In Bed
Ryan tries to win this one by blatantly thrusting his crotch at the camera, but he can't compete with Rob's sex-hair. Round 1 to Rob!

Round 2: Chillin' by the Pool
At first glance, Ryan may appear to have won this round with his abs of steel... but Ryan understimated the power of Jumping Rob TM. Round 2 to Rob!

Round 3: Thumbporn
Sorry Ryan - nice try but Rob is The Master of Thumbporn. Round 3 to Rob!

Round 4: Ladyboys
Who does the best 'lady impression'? Well, to be honest, both are equally gross. This round is cancelled due to indecency. (Let's face it, we want to see cock.)

And the winner is...


People Magazine, you might want to think more carefully next year...
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