Thursday, December 31, 2009

Rob's Closet's NYE Sparkly Ball Drop

Looking forward to watching the sparkly ball drop in Times Square to bring in the New Year? Here at Rob's Closet there's only one (pair of) sparkly ball(s) we're interested in....


Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A Winter's Poll Results!

You wonderful bitches did it again. You keep coming back and kicking my ass with THE BEST answers on our polls. I just fucking love you all!

So, what did you have to say about the temperature of Edward's magical juice? Drumroll please...


It's much like that cold/warm stuff for muscles or vapor rub stuff for those afflicted with the crud. At first touch, this stuff feels cold. Then, it burns like hell to the core in the best. way. possible. It also has an intense healing power. I hear it can even cure malaria! Just rub it on and feel all your symptoms go away!

My 8-Ball was weary to give me an answer on this one, so it takes the "Not Ready To Know" slot. Fuck that, 8-Ball! I neeeeed to know! ILW's "Tastes like Hypnotiq" and MP3's simple "Not Frozen" had to win their own answer slots this week.

Many of you said that vamp jizz would look like glitter glue. I agree. Wow. Edward can be such a fairy sometimes...

Check back often for another poll here at RC!

New Year's Resolutions - RC Stylee

With 2010 just around the corner, it's time to start thinking about how we're going to behave better in the New Year. But as it's no fun giving up things you love doing ("I resolve to spend more time in the gym and less time reading fanfic." - HALE NO!!), I thought it would be more pleasurable making up some New Year's resolutions for some of our favourite Twi-people...

David Slade: "I resolve to ensure the Leg Hitch features prominently in Eclipse."

Jackson & Ashley: "We resolve to finally get our act together and make Jackshley THE power couple of 2010."

Taylor: "I resolve to finally pop my cherry... after all, I will be legal on February 11th."

Xavier: "I resolve to smile more... after all, I am part of the hottest movie franchise in the world."

Stephenie: "I resolve to finish writing Midnight Sun!"

TAYLOR: I fucking love you but... you dance like my dad

Wanna know how long left til Taylor's 18th birthday? Check out our Cougar Countdown...

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Winter's Poll

Hey, it's winter. Everything around me is fucking cold! Soooo, this poll idea was taken from the recently-developed notion that absolutely *everything* inside Edward Cullen is just as "ice cold" as he is. Please, tell me...

Would Edward Cullen's jizz be frozen?

You may think this is a strange question, but think about it, bitches! When you have sex with Edward (be still, my heart!), would it be like a rush of warm liquid, or a slush machine? Like the world is on fire, or your vagina is going through a snowball fight? Would a blow job feel like a marble pole, or a Firecracker Popsicle? And when it's time for release, don't even think about letting that stuff out on its own. In the words of your mama, "You'll shoot your eye out!"

Rob's Closet poll begins...RIGHT NOW!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Funniest. Thing. Ever.

Thanks IHowl2!

Twilight vs. Advertisers

Is it just me...or are advertisers fucking stealing the forest motif?

I'm well aware that "Twilight" wasn't the first book to ever use a heavily wooded area. But it was the first modern book to make heavily wooded areas romantic and cool again. Observe: the original title page of the sacred book. This was published over 4 years ago, back when no one else took notice or gave a shit.

In 2009, here we have Bath and Body Works' Twilight Woods scent. Not only do they take the name, but they plastered the trees all over the bottles and labels. Do they also sell lotion that adds a certain "sparkle" to the skin? I come to you for stuff that smells good, not fucking copycats!

Here's the one I really don't get. What does Sierra Mist have to do with Twilight? I'd like to know. Why the sudden interest in forestry, Pepsi Co.? Reaching a new demographic?

All for the sake of a dollar. But you're not fooling me! Hey look - I can do it too!

Kellan: I fucking love him but... doggie magazine, really??!!

I googled the words 'Kellan Lutz' and 'sexy' and got this picture. WTF, Kellan?! Am I the only one that thinks it's a little bit desperate for him to appear on the cover of doggie magazine? What's next, Good Housekeeping?

While other beefier stars are gracing covers like this, you are on what appears to be a cheesy animal magazine cover. You can do better, Kellan. Raise the bar a little, would ya? It's like, you'll just pose for anything...

Is it just me..

... or is Justin Chon's moustache kiiiiinda creepy?? I mean, recent statistics show that Justin needs all the help he can to prove his sexual identity, so why must he rock the molest-stache?

Unless this is actually a picture of my Aunt Ruth, then I'm afraid this rates pretty high on the gay-o-meter. I mean, gayer than the Wide Awake epilogue (and THAT speaks volumes..)

*Rob's Closet is an equal opportunity lover of all sexual identities. We just like to pick at Justin Chon, but we fucking love him.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Happy Kwanzaa from Kwantay!

Ok so maybe he looks like a fucking Sultan, but either way, Kwantay wanted to stop by and wish all the wolf girls a very happy Kwanzaa!

Could you make his Kufi hat fall off? ;)

Friday, December 25, 2009

He Came Last Night!

Clausward came last night for all the women of the world, and didn't leave a single one unsatisfied! Now he must take his "North Pole" back to the North Pole, where Milk and Cookie are eagerly anticipating his arrival!

"Have you ever done it in the back of a sleigh?"

Don't worry, though. He'll be back again next year! (And maybe he'll stop by early for Christmas in July) ;) Thanks, Clausward--You fucking rock my world!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Birthday, Stephenie Meyer!

From all of us at Rob's Closet, we'd like to wish our favorite mormon, Stephenie Meyer, a very happy 36th birthday.

Our present to you is an unfinished copy of Midnight Sun and a package of Unisom. Go ahead, take a read, fall asleep, and have one of the amazing dreams you need to finish the book!


Rob's Closet

Fan Fail

Yes, this looks exactly like this.
Just one question, why does Robward look so constipated?

The Nightmare Before Christmas

Tim Burton's got nothing on this nightmare. It seems that Worth1000 tried to duplicate Dr. Franken-Bean's ultimate twi-guy, only they failed miserably. Grab your barf bags and get ready for this monstrosity.

This is supposed to be: Jude Law's face, Shia LaBeouf's eyes,Tom Wellings's lips, Johnny Depp's beard and nose, Robert Pattinson's hair. WHAT...THE...FUCK?!

Someone should be fired for the blaspheme they've made of these stars.. how dare they disrespect Rob's glorious fucking hair?!

Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 12

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Rob's Closet gave to me...

Twelve Broken Headboards

Eleven Plaid Shirts

Ten Nights With Edward

Nine Jackson Hats

Eight Hard Abs

Seven Months With Jake

Six Topless Quileutes


Four Vampire Siblings

Three Human Friends

Two Baby Imprintees


*takes a bow*

Countdown to Chrimbo with Rob's Closet - Day 24

Sadly, we've reached the end of Rob's Closet's Countdown to Chrimbo... *wipes tear* The good news is though, it's Christmas tomorrow!! *happy Xmas dance* So who is waiting behind door number 24?
For extra xmas unicorns, click here - or for extra xmas dragons, click here.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 10

On the tenth day of Christmas Rob's Closet gave to me...
Ten Nights with Edward

Caption Contest

Listen up, bitches!
Do YOU have what it takes to create the best caption for a picture on Rob’s Closet? Then step right up and be a part of our first caption contest!

Here’s how it works: We post the picture, and you comment below and give us your idea of the best caption or dialogue for it. You can go smutty (preferable), witty, WHATEVER! Then, click “Like” on the ones you…well…like. The person with the most “Likes” on her entry at the end of the contest wins a photo of herself (or himself) with Twihunk of choice! Yummy! We ship to (nearly) anywhere. What a fuck-awesome deal!

If you’ve never commented before, now’s the perfect time to get your ass in gear! Let’s see what you’ve got. Caption contest begins…RIGHT NOW!

RC Public Service Annoucement

With the festive season upon us, we here at Rob's Closet feel it's our public duty to encourage our readers to be drink aware over the holidays.

While we all enjoy the odd tipple (and have had some hilarious PUIs - Posts Under the Influence), it's important to know our limits. Negative effects of alcohol include:
* liver & heart disease
* alcohol poisoning
* mental health problems
* weight gain

* And ending up looking like this....

Wondering what kind of drunk Rob is? Check out the results of our recent poll!

RPattz the Sparkly Vampire

Thanks to fuckhot Rob's Closet reader Lutz of Love for sending us our very first Christmas card!

Hmm... RPattz the Sparkly Vampire... But where does he glow exactly? I feel a song coming on...
RPattz the Sparkly Vampire
Had a very shiny peen
And if you ever saw it
You would see its sparkly sheen!

Countdown to Chrimbo with Rob's Closet - Day 22

Wait a minute... There seems to be some kind of mistake... There's a bad vampire hiding behind door number 22! How did he get there?! I think this naughty vamp needs to be spanked. Any volunteers? ;)

**PS. If you like what you find, you might want to check out this gratuitous piece of filth...**

"Justin Chon" Poll Results!

**The Votes Are In! I have your answers!!!**

Thank you guys SO MUCH for contributing to the vote! You guys are as fuckhot as this picture...not kidding. You make me happier than being serenaded by Jacksper! And the result is, Justin Chon is...*drumroll*

La Gay Baby, He's La Gay!
To make this scientific (yes, Breesmom, that's how I roll) I have your chart! Strictly gay took HALF the votes, while Bisexual came in as the closest 2nd. Grandma's classic Fucked me senseless and ILW's Trisexual (I get it, he'll "try" anything, right?) get their own categories this week! Way to go guys!

I'd like to point out a special new voter. RIMR's "Shrek" DVD includes a "Mirror Mirror" game that answers any "yes" or "no" question. This time, it agreed with my 8-ball app and said "Without a Doubt"-- Wow! Technology speaks the truth!

Alright, glad that's settled! *dusts hands*
New poll soon! Wait for it...

Monday, December 21, 2009

Grandma, We Love You <3

This post is dedicated to our very first bona fide greyface!

My Ovaries Had An Emergency Session...

And they all agreed you need to stop fucking teasing me. I can't take it, man.

My heart isn't strong enough! GAHHH!

Let's get this party started!

Take a good look at these people. *points down* Now thank them from the bottom of your heart....

...because 25 years and nine months ago, Jack and Randee Rathbone (*points up*) made sweet love and created this little cutie... *points down*
...who grew up to be this super-sexy hottie!! *points down*

So THANK YOU Mommy & Daddy Rathbone!


from all @Robs_Closet

(especially Bean, who will be jumping out of your cake later)

Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 9

On the ninth day of Christmas, Rob's Closet gave to me...

Nine Jackson Hats

Monkey Monday - Festive Edition!

The birthday boy and the rest of the 100 Monkeys would like to wish Rob's Closet readers Happy Holidays with this amazing improv song, 'Holly.' (OK, so technically it's not about actual holly, but it's the closest thing I could find to a Xmas song!)

Countdown to Chrimbo with Rob's Closet - Day 21

*sigh* Oh, door number 21 - you are my favourite door so far...

Daniel Cudmore's Throbbing Stick of Manhood** is Kickass

While making pigs in a blanket today, I thought about wieners. I love wieners. You love wieners as well. Don't even pull that shit with me. Let's talk throbbing sticks of manhood**.

For years women have created formulas and charts to relate men's measurements to penis size. This was done to weed out the "smallies" in ample time without the strains of an unfruitful relationship. Here's one man you'll never have to doubt: Daniel Cudmore. D is for Daniel's Dick. Hell. Yes.

This man is m-a-s-s-i-v-e. Height, girth, shoes, muscle size, bone mass, you name it. How could Daniel NOT be packing heat?! Even more, how could he NOT be an amazing fuck?!

Every time I look at Daniel now, all I think about is him being hung like a horse and giving out unicorn rides like a fucking merry-go-round (thanks for that visual, RIMR). On a "Men of Twilight Penis Size" chart, he's number one in my book, WITH a gold star!

Let's take a moment to appreciate the Volturi vamp who has the gift of making ladies feel extreme pleasure courtesy of his marble pole.

"This might hurt just a little..."

Phoenix MP3--This is for you!

** Attention: The previous word used in the title of this post, "P**n", has officially been banned from Rob's Closet. From this moment forward, any and every other word will be used in its place. I apologize for any inconvenience. --Updated Per MB 2/2/10
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