Monday, November 30, 2009

Taylor Lautner - Virgin...or no? Part I

Forget Crapsten rumors! THIS is the mystery that plagues me to no end! After a very hormonal round 5 last night, I took a vested interest in this question: Is the not-yet-legal, camera tease meatball known as Tay-Tay a virgin?

I asked the 8-ball app on my iPhone and it said: Nope. Well, I'll let that count as a vote since we ARE taking a survey. So far, we have 3 No's (including the iPhone 8-ball) and 4 yes's (including me). I am keeping these votes safe and secure on a piece of paper taped to the side of my monitor at work--far far away from anyone who could possibly decipher what "Does he bear the V?" means.

I'm hardcore dedicated to this now, bitches--believe me. This is something that's going to take further investigation. We're talking LOTS and LOTS of tedious, time-consuming studying and pondering ahead of me. Youtube vids, interviews, scrutinizing pictures--hell of a job, huh?

Sooooo...please tell me what YOU think--Is Taylor as unexperienced as the 100-year-old virgin himself? Pure as the driven snow? Virgin as the plane that sped Alice and Bella to Italy?

To sum it all up--> Has the hot dog been in many buns?

Go on, tell me!!!

Later, when I have enough votes from our RC readers/Twit chicks, I'm going to display them in a nicely prepared Excel Spreadsheet and Muffin Chart. I'm serious.


I don't know about you all, but I absolutely LOVE it when the Twilight cast tweets - and particularly when they tweet YOURS TRULY. Of course I have my Twitter alerts set so that when each cast member tweets, a text is sent directly to my phone. I like to pretend they are texting me exclusively.

While we waited patiently for New Moon to come out, Eclipse Director, David Slade (@David_A_Slade on Twitter), has been graciously tweeting exclusive details (which I still pretend are for my eyes only).

You can imagine my excitement then, every time Mr. Slade tweets...

And... thanks to his latest tweet, you can also imagine my extreme disappointment.

Dear David Slade,

You cannot CANNOT tweet about anything relating to Eclipse post production, and then post ridiculous twit pics like this:

We freaking love you, but really?! What-the-fuck-is-this-shit?! You're playing games with our heart, and I don't like it. So, unless you are going to continue to tweet awesome pics like these:


Please do not twit pic at all. Don't build me up, Buttercup.

Might I suggest you take twit pic advice from our friend, @GilBirmingham ? He really knows how to share the goods:

Let's recap: Eclipse photos only: GOOD. Weird artsy stuff NOT related to Eclipse: BAD.


Rob's Closet

PS. We're @Robs_Closet on Twitter, in case you wanted to follows us. We know you want to.

Monkey Monday

Check out Ben J's wrist action! 100 Monkeys sing 'Clippity Clop', one of the tracks on their awesome new album GRAPE. You can listen to the rest of the songs or buy the album here.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

PMS (Pretty Man Syndrome)

Fed up of feeling crappy during your time of the month? Never fear, Rob's Closet is here!

That's right - Rob's Closet is giving away a FREE SHIRTLESS JACKSON with every box of RC Tampons! Don't say we never do anything for you. ;)

Is it just me... or did Rob's left nipple look weird in NM?

While watching New Moon for the second time this week, Icouldn't help but notice that Rob's left nipple looked a little... odd. Maybe I was swooning too much during my first viewing of THAT scene in Volterra to spot that there was a part of this perfect man that was not quite so perfect. But with a second viewing it became clear that there was definitely something strange going on with his nip. Several of my friends had noticed it too, so I gave a little air-punch with glee that I had some new material for an 'I fucking love him but...' post.

But imagine my surprise when I came home to trawl the internet for pictures of shirtless Edward to use for evidence (all in the name of research, of course!) and discovered the following:

Rob's left nipple is perfect!!
So I ask you, dear Rob's Closet reader: Is is just me, or did Rob's nipple look weird in New Moon? Am I seeing things? Was my vision impaired by the sparkles? Was I light-headed at the sight of Rob's naked torso? Was this a nasty prank played by a jealous special effects guy, to add an imperfection to an otherwise perfect specimen of a man?

Friday, November 27, 2009


In case you missed it, the New Moon cast has quite the dirty mouth this time around.. and I fucking love it. Rob's Closet groupie..erm.. READER, ErynJE, sent in this fucking awesome video of the New Moon cast spitting out all sorts of expletives.

It starts off with Rob saying "It's fucking awesome." Need I say more? For your listening pleasure, here is 5:33 of New Moon cast cursing. Enjoy!

Thanks, again, ErynJE. You foul mouth heathen, you.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Let Us Give Thanks


Here's what I'm thankful for...

Feasting Rob!

Even The Pattz is stuffing his beautiful face today.

Pass the corn, please?? :)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Is it just me? New Moon Special Part II

Is it just me.. or do they say HELL a LOT in New Moon?? I've only seen it three times and the third time around, I noticed the cast had a bit of a potty mouth! I love it. I love hearing them talk dirty!

Have they been reading Rob's Closet lately?? Is our foul mouth rubbing off on the cast??

1. Carlisle: … even if we are damned.. <---- don’t even get me started on the ‘D’ word

Bella: ..damned as in.. HELL? <--- yes, it still counts there


2. (Bella pulls up with dirt bikes at Jacob’s house)

Jacob: Bella! Where the HELL have you been, loca??


3. (Bella runs in to her kitchen after seeing Laurent and the Wolf Pack)

Bella: Charlie! They are NOT bears.. they’re.. they’re.. wolves!

Charlie: What? Bella, what the HELL are you doing out in the woods??


4. (Bella jumps off cliff, Jake rescues her)

Jake: Bella! What the HELL were you thinking??


5. (Bella comes home after cliff diving)

Alice: Bella, do you want to tell me how you’re still alive? What the HELL were you thinking jumping off a cliff??


6. (In Volterra, after the Edward rescue)

Felix: The girl comes with us.

Edward: You can go to HELL.


7. (Jacob throws rocks at Bella's window)
Bella: Jake, what the HELL are you doing??


8. (Charlie telling Bella she should go to Jacksonville)

Charlie: Bella, your behavior is starting to scare the HELL out of me.


9. (At the Vote)

Emmett: I vote, HELL yes! We'll find some other way to pick a fight with these Volturi!


10. (After the movies with Jessica, when Bella gets on a bike with a stranger)

Jessica: Ok, do you want to tell me what the HELL you were thinking??


11. (Bella sees the Wolf Pack cliff diving)

Jacob: It's scary as HELL, but it's such a rush.


12. (At the end, when Jacob reminds Edward of the treaty)

Jacob: You stay the HELL outta my head!


I think that's all of them. Have I left out any other ‘hell’s’??

Twelve times.. THAT’S TWELVE TIMES they use a swear word in New Moon. Not to mention the two ‘D’ words.

Wonder what swear words they’ll say in Eclipse? Or even better.. Breaking Dawn!? I’m really hoping for at least the ‘S’ word.




Thanks to MB for watching New Moon a FOURTH time and pointing out #7, #10, #11, and #12-- and ErynJE for contributing #8 and #9. What the HELL would I do without you girls?


Make sure you've checked out our first edition of 'Is it just me, New Moon special'

DILF Alert!

One of our favourite DILFs, Billy Burke, turns 43 today. So Happy Birthday Billy! Thank you for being one of the few Twi-guys I can lust after without being a cougar. ;)

Rob's Closet Has A New Sponsor!

We're a self-sufficient blog site, but once in a while we are approached by certain famous/infamous infomercial personalities to pimp out our fuck-awesomeness. When even Vince the Shammanty guy wants in on a piece of the pie, how can we say no?

Even from jail, Vince can do promotions! And he decided that nothing would please him more than to give ALL Rob's Closet readers a FREE RC Cola--now the OFFICIAL beverage and first sponsor of Rob's Closet!

Don't you love it? RC Cola? Rob's Closet Cola??? Thought so.

So here you go, everyone! Enjoy a FREE soda on Vince! No worries, he's not picking up the bail bond--er, I mean tab on this one.

Wig Fail

Edward isn't the only Cullen working the Baywatch intro run! LOL

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Alice Didn't See This Coming

We touched lightly on the Vamp Bella scene, but more time and consideration is needed. Chris Weitz did so many things right, so I guess we should've known he would fuck up something.

Fast Forward--> As Aro stretches his arm out to kill Bella Swan in one fell swoop, suddenly Alice chirps "Wait! Bella will become one of us! I've seen it! I'll change her myself." What's this?! A chance for Aro (and the audience) to finally see what Alice saw in the ballet studio--what we've ALL been waiting to see since we read about it in Breaking Dawn--BELLA AS A VAMPIRE?!?!?!

Kickass, right?!?!

Unless you do this...

I was on the fence about this when I saw it in the movie companion. After seeing it in live action, I plopped over to the side exclaiming "OMG WTF CW?!".

It's not JUST the slow-mo running or JUST the Little House on the Prairie / Anne of Green Gables outfits or even the overly-dramatic swell of the music--it's an embarrassing mixture of said elements.'s SO 1912.

Here's a positive: Seeing Bella's golden eye and her "Who's the bitch, now?" gaze toward Edward made me do half a squee within my hormonal body. I totally missed her sparkling skin the first time though due to audience laughter. It was distracting, but they were right to laugh.

Chris, you must know about Breaking Dawn by now. We've been campaigning for you since the first New Moon trailer. Alice wouldn't let Bella be caught DEAD (get it?) in something that drab. And since when does Edward sport an unbuttoned vest/khaki combo, Angelina Jolie pout, and Baywatch run?

I'll be ready.
Never you fear.
I'll be ready!
Forever and always,
I'm always here!

Deep shit...

Now get it together! We want to see a sexy-ass cocktail dress ripped to shreds!!!



Summit Entertainment (@Twilight on twitter) released a couple tweets the other day from Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, and Taylor Lautner!! Hope you were wearing your shamwow panties when those tweets hit! Here they are, in case you've missed them:

The first tweet came from THE MAN himself

Hey, Stewy, I twitter, twit, tweet, all the time, too!

And the final member for the Twilight Trinity..

Are these tweets legit? OF COURSE THEY FUCKING ARE!!! Isn't it amazing?! Rob, Kristen, and Taylor all went to a computer, called a Summit exec, asked for the @Twilight password, and tweeted their little hearts away!!! I jumped up and down like a little fan girl.

And it gets better.. the 3 main Saga stars didn't stop there!! They finally responded to my endless tweets!! Here, at Rob's Closet *cough cough, @Robs_Closet on twitter* we give you EXCLUSIVE SHOTS OF EVEN MORE CAST TWEETS!!!!

OMFG. My life is complete.

Chris Weitz: I fucking love him but.... even he makes a couple mistakes

I've been singing Chris Weitz's praises since December 13, 2008; the man is a legend! From his epic casting (Michael Sheen, Dakota Fanning, Kiowa Gordan, etc. etc.) and the very beginning of the film where the moon slowly reveals the two most beautiful words ever to the end, where Bella gasps at Edward's marriage proposal.. the man is pure genius. He turned cartoon-y looking CGI wolves into wolves that give my nightmares (the wet kind), and everything was a thousand times better for the Twilight Saga: New Moon sequel.

That being said, even CW, himself, is not perfect. For every 1,000,000 choices he makes that are RIGHT, 2 choices are wrong.

Whatever do I mean? How can I say such things about the wonderful Chris Weitz? Let me remind you of a certain fruit colored garment earlier this month...

What what whaaaaaaaaaaaaaattt??? CW, what the hell were you thinking? *insert Bella's Twilight hospital scene here*

So, I'm REALLY into the movie at this point. I mean- Felix is about to rip off Edward's head, Bella begs Aro to kill her instead; it's all so wonderful. Right before Aro makes his move- Alice interjects with this vision. Ummm.. what the fuck is this vision, anyways? Alice, are you showing Aro that Bella will become a character from Little House on the Prairie?? Sorry, Chris Weitz, but this scene was just as atrocious as those orange pants.

Ok, so for everything that went RIGHT, I'm ok with these two minor (not-so-minor) mishaps. Don't let it happen again.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Do You Know The Muffin Woman?

Emily has some huge, tasty muffins. Sam, you're a lucky bastard.

After seeing New Moon 3 times (!!!), I have to admit: Emily's muffins looked hella delish. I don't mean just 'fresh and hot from the oven' delish; I mean 'I can't fit it all in my mouth' delish. And we know if you can't fit it all in your mouth, it's a wonderful thing. (I, for one, live by that rule)

They are SO good, in fact, even Bella herself (nibbler of previous feasts like yogurt, celery, garden burgers, cucumbers, and Twizzlers) couldn't say no. You take that muffin and you enjoy every crumb.

So now we've cracked the case as to how Emily REALLY got that scar on her face. Must have been late one night after she refused to get off the damn couch to make those muffins!

I can't help myself. They are so...mouth-watering...

Is it just me? - New Moon Special!

* Is it just me, or were Carlisle and Bella were getting a little too intimate during their ‘alone time’ in his office?

* Is it just me, or does Edward run like a girl?

* Is it just me, or does anyone else want to put Jared/Bronson in their pocket and take him out when they’re having a bad day? (I tried Jarson or Bronred but it just didn’t work!)

* Is it just me, or does anyone else suspect all Victoria’s lines were cut due to Rachelle-gate?

* Is it just me, or is Alice one of those bitches who tells her friends (and by ‘friends’ I mean siblings) that they look great in something when they clearly don’t, just to make herself look better?

* Is it just me, or does Face Punch sound like an awesome movie?

* Is it just me, or is it really possible for a CGI wolf to make you cry?

* Is it just me, or has Charlie Swan gone up a few notches on the DILF-o-meter?

* Is it just me. or does anyone else wish Edward hadn't rang?

**DISCLAIMER: I adored the New Moon movie (except Jasper's wig) - just poking a bit of fun. This is Rob's Closet, after all!**

Monkey Monday

Confession time: Hands up how many of you vamp girls seriously considered pole vaulting over the fence to LaPush after watching New Moon. *counts many sheepishly raised hands*

Well, you're not the only ones. After watching the Gods in Jorts, the 100 Monkeys have improvised a song for Taylor '32-pack' Lautner himself*, called 'Hot Dog'.


Just in case you are getting withdrawal symptoms from The Abs already, see below...

ROB: I fucking love him but... why does he always make the shittiest faces in a suit?

Rob is my absolute fave when he wears suits.. skinny tie, thick tie, bow tie. Any way you look at it, he is truly beautiful in the black satiny goodness. Plus, every time he wears a suit, I imagine this is what he would look like as my groom.

But of course, our little exception can still make a catastrophic event out of wearing a suit. Let's take a drift down memory lane with some of my favorite "Rob wearing a super sexy suit with a super shitty look on his face":

This could almost pass as a Sex Face

The black on black was super sexy, but I will never get this horrid image out of my mind

And our most recent: Red Carpet Rob for the New Moon premier. Oh Rob, darling, you got caught in a moment that you can't get out of. Ever. So tragic.

Crapsten Lovers Take A Break

Last week was huge for Crapsten fans. First there was the Harper's Bazaar shoot, then Catherine Hardwicke spilled the bean's on the 'couple', and now this.

Crapsten was seen leaving Paris holding hands.

Sweet baby Jesus, need I say more??

<-------------- the picture that truly is worth a thousand words. Are they holding hands, does she just have her arm wrapped around his, did she just give him a hand job and is wiping herself clean on his sleeve? We don't know!! But surely this would send Crapsten fans over the edge. I was so sure the fan girl crapsten fans would all have heart attacks upon these pics, but alas- even they've surprised me.

Instead of shoving their outrageous opinions of crapsten down our throats and proclaiming us all 'blind idiots', they reacted completely the opposite.

Could it be true? Are even Crapsten fans taking a break??

Here are some crapsten comments from the 'Holding Hands in Paris' pics:

"Wow, Summit is going to really make them pay for these pics.. poor, poor 'R' word."

"I'm not even going to say anything other than LOOK HOW HAPPY THEY LOOK. That is all."

"I imagine this is what they'd look like walking down the aisle. Ah, great pic!!!!"


Wow. No one threatened my life for being skeptical? My firstborn is not marked for death because I am not die hard crapsten?

In any event, I do love the pixelated pics of what RPattz and KStew are or are not doing.. hmm, a certain concert comes to mind...


More Twilight Saga Ebonics

In lieu of the amazing, fantastic weekend we've had with New Moon opening, I realized that I had left off a VERY important vocab word from my New Moon Ebonics lesson..

Here we are, Word of the Day:

Fan Girl [fan gurl] adjective. "I've seen New Moon 5 times and I still go all fan girl when the movie starts."

Here we see an example of the sub-term 'frizzy hair fan girl'. This is the REALLY REALLY crazy fan type.

Example 2 of frizzy fan girl. You know you've gone fan girl when the security guards have to pry you off of Rob.

Example 3: Your BFF will record the whole fan girl experience on your celly while friend #2 goes fan girl on Rob.

How do you tell if you are just really excited about New Moon vs. going Fan Girl? Well, if you react like this every time you hear the words "Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and/or Breaking Dawn":

.... then it's safe to assume you have gone fan girl. It happens to all of us!

Holy Hell is there a lot of news to catch up on.. erm.. make fun of.. so much so that I'm going all fan girl trying to keep up!!

And the Award Goes To...

........ MB!!!!!!!!

Special thanks from Rob's Closet to MB, for doing a fuck-awesome job of filling in while the rest of us were under a serious New Moon haze. Didn't she do fabulous folks?

As a special treat, we have none other than THE MAN himself to present MB with a little token of our appreciation.

Mmmmm, MB.. you really know how to talk dirty about me. I love it.

Thanks, again! Can't wait til you're legit on here :-D

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

As If Your Libido Needed A Boost...


I'm a very verbose person. You won't find me speechless many hours of the day.Then you show me more of these VF outtakes and I'm simply gone.

Is it weird that I imagine he is in his (very comfortable looking) jail cell cot after committing some badass crime (like tax evasion) for a good cause (like affording our vacation to a remote locale), just waiting on a visit from yours truly and perhaps a good ciggy?

How are those knickers feelin' now? Hm?

You're welcome. ;)

MB posting under RIMR_ <3

Attention Whore Much??

Take our label “Catherine Hardwicke...What a C*nt”, add a generous cup of “CRAPSTEN”, sprinkle with a pinch of “DIRTY LAUNDRY”, bake for an hour and you get this: CH being an attention whore, a year after her time.

Turning specific parts of our saga’s beloved first installment into a mockery of its former self wasn’t enough (No need to go into those deets, folks--we’ve been singing that song for months). Then Cat Hardwicke decided to conveniently rise from the ashes, telling Time Magazine:

“I think it took a long time for Kristen to realize, O.K., I’ve got to give this a go and really try to be with this person.”

Why stir the already agitated pot with Crapsten tidbits that I’m sure you yourself honestly don’t remember? Do you even remember what you had for breakfast? I summed it up on another site concisely. Shoulda been best rated, bitches...

i'd be pretty upset right about now if my former director were talking about this subject after i'd tried so hard to keep this exact information out of public spotlight.”

Roughly translated, that actually means: STOP BEING AN ATTENTION WHORE.

Plz & Thx <3

MB posting under RIMR_ <3

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Anya Marina vs. Lady Gaga

While listening to “Satellite Heart” on my way to work this morning, and odd thing happened. I heard in my head, “Block it out, Miranda! Just block it out!” Then I remembered. The beautiful siren known as Anya Marina…was on crack cocaine last night.

I love her song on the soundtrack. Really I do. It’s amazing, beautiful, heartbreaking, and perfect for the film. Unfortunately, she’ll be the first one to tell you all those things. While hosting last night’s livestream interviews during the New Moon premier red carpet event in LA, Anya pimped out her song on the album to the stars of the movie at least 15 times. She even revealed where in the movie her song is played. (For those who didn’t watch it, no worries—I wouldn’t do that to you when we’re a mere 2 days away).

Here are the highlights: While hosting with that guy from MTV (who looked amazingly awkward standing next to her), Anya looked drunk, high, on acid, or a beautiful combination of all three. She called Kstew a “confection”, tried to explain to the viewers how she was in the future, and even tried to stake a claim on Kiowa. *snaps fingers in Z formation* Anya, he’s taken. Don’t make RIMR cut you. She told Paulex “good luck on being grounded”, asked Taylor if the cast texted each other (you have one minute and you ask that?), related the red carpet event to a zoo (specifically pointing out different safari animals), and even tried to promote her song to Kstew, who did a great job acting as if she gave a flying fuck.

Anya’s shameless promotion and lazy speech was the fail, but all in all the night was a great success for most involved. The best part was her perfectly timed silence. During the 90 seconds that glorious and impeccable Red Carpet Rob was on the livestream listening to a fan’s touching story and answering 1.5 questions, Anya kept her damn mouth shut. Hallelujah.

This leaves me to ask you all one thing. Who is the more far out space cadet: Anya Marina or Lady Gaga? When I first saw the “Satellite Heart” video, I thought she merely looked like the Queen of the Disco Stick. After last night, she’s so close to Gaga’s Fruit Loop status that the only thing missing is a trash bag over her head and a loyal gay following.

MB posting for RIMR - <3

Monday, November 16, 2009

Rob: I fucking love him but...but nothing!

In honor of New Moon’s release this week, I, Miranda (please overlook the username; it’s really MB blogging for the first time here!), decided I would make a little confession to my friends here on Rob’s Closet…

I look at Robert Pattinson through rose colored glasses. Inspired by Juno, I would venture to say the sun does, in fact, shine out of his sweet, fine ass. Sure, he’s not perfect, per se. Previous installments of our “I fucking love him but...” segment point those out beautifully. Even still, I am quick to toss those things out the proverbial window and defend Spunk Ransom’s honor to the end. He is the scale to which other men in my life are measured. They are all found wanting.

Sure, he didn’t make the best fashion decisions circa 2005, what with the Harry Potter junket and all (red velvet blazer, anyone?). But who the hell cares?! It fades in the background when compared to his ribeye-steak-cutting jawline! How could you look at this fit specimen in the face and tell him to change? He makes up his own rules as he goes, dammit, and my libido will follow every one of those rules.

Now, even I can separate myself from the situation and see that this isn’t my “norm”. Since when did bathing twice a week become amazingly sexy to me? Is he mailing boxes of his dirty laundry across the country? Seems like the smart thing to do! A tattered Stoli shirt, button fly jeans, and black Nike’s make up the new 3-piece suit. Seeing him pick plumes of dandruff from his blesséd locks has me reaching for extra-strength Shammanties. He smokes like a friggin’ freight train? I’d still tap that! When did my former preppy-loving self go from “Ewwww, gross!” to “DO ME NOW!”???

Perhaps those questions will never be answered. When it comes to Rob, mystery is half the allure (Except when it comes to those sugar lumps! Reveal your mystery to me, you sexy man! I NEEEED the sugar lumps!!!) Either way, I’m not in the market to over analyze this. At least I have a clear conscience now. So what I will do in the meantime is sit back and enjoy everything that comes from and out of The Pattz—the man who simply can do no wrong.


MB posting for RIMR. <3

Friday, November 13, 2009

Sex Face III

Ladies, as if we needed any more pictures to help us imagine Rob's 'O' face, he continues to supply us with more and more visuals:

The "Oh-Shit-I-Swear-This-Never-Happens" face

Need more images for your favorite Twi-Guy Fantasies? Be sure to check out Sex Faces and Sex Faces II.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Monkey Monday... on Wednesday!

Happy Hump Day, folks! Check out 100 Monkeys hilarious and awesome new video, Ugly Girl.

First we had Jackson in full drag, then we had Jackson in a dress, now we have Jackson in make-up. Is there something you want to tell us, Mr Rathbone? ;)

Now, can someone edit this video for me to remove the bearded lady scenes? She's totally ruining my drool-fest!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Edward That Could Have Been...

We may never forgive Catherine Hardwicke and Melissa Rosenberg for what they did to our beloved Twilight - but can you imagine the uproar if the movie's wardrobe department let Edward appear on screen like this?!

Believe it or not, these are actual test costumes for Edward Cullen. *shudders*

Rob catches sight of himself in the mirror and vomits a little in his mouth

Rob: "You've got to be shitting me."

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Rob, I fucking love him but...doesn't he look completely mental in this pic??

Like a little goblin... All he needs now is a little hat...

Oh alright then...Here you go...!

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